Some days your the bug. And some days your the windshield.

Apparently an episode of the Twilight Zone was filmed in Tampa/St. Pete tonight. As I type this it's 10-0 Rays in the bottom of the 8th and unless Jacoby Ellsbury got that hit Matt Garza would be pitching a no hitter.

I know what you're thinking. Brad Penny HAD to be pitching, but you'd be wrong. The Commander and the Ace, Josh Beckett was on the hill tonight. There is no logical explanation for what happened so I'm going with a voodoo doll in the study by Colonel Mustard; best reason I can come up with on short notice.

So while I attempt to blissfully ignore what is happening in Florida I've racked my brain trying to come up with a subject for tonights post.

It took nothing more than surfing the www.tmz.com website and seeing an old client of mine featured to make my decision.

For over 12 years I called on these guys and sold them furniture and all it took was one goofy commercial, the right people at the right time to see it and my boys are on television nation wide on the TMZ syndicated program.

With apologies to Don King?

Only in North Carolina.

The Swine Flu has NOTHING on Jonathan Van Every.

*Image courtesy of yahoosports.com*

JD and Youk sitting this one out.

Lester pitching with stuff that would make Brad Penny laugh.

Sox down 5-0 at one point and most people looking ahead to the 4 game set in Tampa.

Screw the heart palpitations and the obvious signs of an adult male having a stroke.

Sox win 6-5 in the bottom of the 10th and all is right with the world.

Pap with the save, Jonathan Van Every with the go ahead home run, and the swine flu is a figment of the media's imagination.

One of those things may or may not be true; I'll leave it up to you to figure it out.

All I know is the Red Sox stole one tonight and are headed to Tampa Bay.

Uncle Joe and his doofus glasses are next on the hit parade.

Welcome Back, Julio

*Image courtesy of bostonglob.com*

Julio Lugo returned to the Boston line up tonight and so far has reached base twice, once on a hit and on a walk.

He also committed one of the 17 Red Sox errors(I'm going on memory; this may or may not be factually accurate) to go along with more blown leads by Brad Penny than I can keep up with. As much I'm rooting for the guy to succeed I've come to the following conclusion.

Dude is the baseball equivalent to the bad luck Tiki necklace in the classic "Brady Bunch go to Hawaii" storyline.

And he just lines a base hit down the RF line to put the Sox up 8-7 in the top of the 7th.

Just when I think Rakes or Trot is going to be the death of me, Julio comes off the DL and changes the whole equation.

Jacoby Makes Rakes Smile

*Image courtesy of yahoosports.com*

Like most kids, mine get stuck on a movie and will watch it on an endless loop. I'm talking into the hundreds of watching the same movie over and over again. Currently in the van is "Shrek" and while I'm only in that car 2 days a week I can recite the movie, word for word, from the beginning, up to and including the "Doolot" song. How Ang hasn't lost her mind completely is right up there with Stonehenge and crop circles in the category of unexplained phenomena.

At home? Currently in the rotation is "The Sandlot", one of my all-time favorite movies.

So when Jacoby stole home against the Yankees last night, just like Benny "The Jet" at the end of "The Sandlot" I can't tell you how bad I wanted to go wake Rakes up and show him. Good sense took over and I waited until today to show him.

The look on his face was priceless as he watched the clip, looked at me and said "Dad. He looked JUST like Benny!"

Man, do I love this game.

Chapter 12 in "How in God's Name Did I Survive the Toddler Years"

If you're a semi-regular regular at this blog, or as I sometime refer to it "My slow descent into the Abyss of Insanity" you may recall we're having a bit of difficulty potty training Trot.

By "bit" I mean the boy has peed/pooped in almost every room on every floor and in every available receptacle while avoiding the actual bathroom like it had a 3 headed monster living in it. Thankfully this normally happens when I'm at work but it also means my two days off each week turn into a real life version of "Beat the Clock", usually ending with Trot victorious and me sobbing quietly in the laundry room.

Mercifully the most recent incident happened on Friday afternoon with me safely tucked away at work and roughly 20 miles upwind. Ang took Heckle and Jeckle out to play and before she could utter her first "Get OUT of the neighbors garage!" he'd turned his pants into fertilizer.

Getting him out of his clothes, she goes inside to put it all in the washing machine with a stern "Stay RIGHT here in the garage until I get back."

Naturally she found him in the back yard, buck naked and climbing around the OUTSIDE of the play fort, with poop all over his butt and legs mind you, while my next door neighbor and her elderly mother watched this spectacle unfolding from their back deck.

(For a visual, where she found him was on the 1 inch wide 2x4 directly to Ciera's left)
She was finally able to get him completely clean by making him stand beside the house while she hosed him off with the water hose. Sort of like how they clean up the elephants at the circus now that I think about it.

The woman is a saint.

Considering the only thing that helps me cling to the fragile thread of sanity I have left is Red Sox baseball, this whole Yankee series, while almost giving me a stroke, is definitely helping. Comeback win in the 11th Friday night, down 0-6 yesterday only to deliver an epic beat down 16-11, I've got my broom on standby.

Cotton balls for my ears due to the ESPN telecast? Check.

Sox cap? Check.

Throw pillow to muffle the yelling/cursing? Check.

Masterson vs Pettitte. Fenway Park. 8 p.m.

Let's get it on.

The Pitchers Duel That Wasn't

*Image courtesy of Yahoosports*

On paper, Josh Beckett vs AJ Burnett should be a 2 hour, 15 minute affair that ends in a score of 3-1 with everyone making their 7 o'clock dinner reservations with no worries.

Paper sucks. 16-11 Red Sox win in a slobberknocker with a Grand Slam by Tek, heroics by Jacoby, Munchkin and Bay, and topped off by a "I have no idea how that ball stayed fair" dinger over the Monster that I'm pretty sure grazed the foul pole hit by Lowell.

I'm now hoarse. From yelling in the car on the way home when Tek hit his granny so loud I scared the dude in the pickup truck with the Dale Earnhardt Jr bumper sticker so much he moved one lane over to me, Rakes and Trot AND me yelling "Get OUT ball!" when Mikey hit his homer, then willing Pap to just please get it over with in the ninth.

Games in April shouldn't make you consider buying a defibrillator for home use; but they still do.

Game 3 tomorrow night on ESPN; Buck/McCarver and Morgan/Phillips/Miller back to back.

I'm fairly certain they wouldn't even allow this at Guantanamo Bay.

Best part about today? Mikey's "Screw you" fist pump after Girardi intentionally walks Bay to pitch to Scenic.

Sometimes, the good guys really do win in the end.

Where is Erik Hinske when you need him?

4-2 Yankees in the top of the 8th.

4,234 chances to score with the bases loaded for the Red Sox; at least it seems that way.

Secretly I was hoping for Joba to buzz Youk's tower and in 2.6 seconds get turned into a human Popsicle with a Louisville slugger but cooler heads prevailed.

Okajima imploded in the 7th and turned a 2-2 tie into a 4-2 MFY lead but I've still got faith. That, plus unless your name is Mariano Rivera the Yankee bullpen couldn't retire the bottom third of the Bad News Bears.

I'm heading to the couch to hunker down behind it for now, so here's to late inning comebacks and Keeping the Fair.

Honestly, it's really too early in the season for me to be eating TUMS by the hand full and pacing the living room.

May the MLB schedule makers come down with Montezuma's Revenge sometime in the very near future.

I need a Time Machine

4 weeks from today I'll get up at about 3 am, get in my car, and drive to Raleigh, NC to board a plane bound for Burlington, VT.

Why? It's Megapalooza weekend, where sometime on Friday I'll head into Boston to catch the Red Sox play the Mets and meet up with good friends to catch the game together on Saturday.

I've got one son pooping everywhere BUT the toilet, another who is currently obsessed with Wolverine and how HE can get some of those wicked claws, and a daughter who is 10 going on 25 and causing me to seriously consider getting a Maalox IV drip installed.

I need this trip like you wouldn't believe.

And yes; I'll be doing this every Thursday from now until I leave.

Only because I don't really have anything else to look forward to until then.

One more month.

One more month.

Double header sweeps RULE

*Image courtesy of bostonglobe.com*

10-1 in a rain shortened 7 innings.

7-3 in the night cap.

And all on Tito's 50th birthday.

Forget the fact I spent much of the first game wandering around the parking lot at work, holding my new Instinct skyward as a begged for a signal to catch up on the score. Thankfully my good friend Cyn was texting me updates as the game progressed 'cause otherwise I'd have been down at the local library begging for some free Internet access.

Even Rakes and Trto trying to disembowel each other after I got home did little to deter me from my primary mission, which was to watch DO and Remy call the game on NESN. Although I will own up to the fact that if they didn't cease and desist from trying to pants each other I was going to tie them to the back deck until it was time for bed.

Tomorrow is an off day, and as much as I hate to not have the Sox on my tv at night at least I'll get to keep up with "Hell's Kitchen" while I await the arrival of the MFY for a 3 game set this weekend.

Which reminds me; I need to stock up on Rolaids and buy that latest book on "How to control your irrational anger during a baseball game when your team is playing the Yankees".

Can I get it out of the way now and say Joe Girardi is a dink?

A Rain Delay Means More Than Just No Game

After working 10 hours, trying to convince people they absolutely, positively HAD to have that new sofa and getting rejected 90% of the time, I was looking forward to seeing my kids, kissing my wife, and relaxing to the sounds of DO and Remy calling the Sox/Twins game tonight.

While I did get to see the kids and Ang, the game? Not happening. Raining cats and dogs in Boston and instead the game will be played tomorrow. At 12:30 in the afternoon. While I'm working.

IF it gets played at all; apparently, God wants to send me to the nuthouse by raining out TWO days worth of games while I try with every fiber of my being to maintain what small shred of sanity I've got left.

'Cause if I get to see a game? I can get past certain things that otherwise send me one step closer to the edge of insanity.

Like tonight. While cursing under my breath about not getting to watch the Sox, I settled down on the sofa with Ciera and Rakes to watch "COPS", during which they ran a commercial promoting "Stupid Gross things people do at work that get videotaped for the world to see" or something when up pops a guy peeing in the community coffee pot at work. I don't say a word, hoping he was day dreaming about Spiderman or Batman or wondering why Indiana Jones looks just like Han Solo for the millionth time but 15 seconds later I hear him utter the following.

Rakes: "I know what that dude was doing, Dad. He pulled out his willy and peed in that pot. Look, I'll show you..."

I think the fact I yelled loud enough to wake the dead prevented him from re-enacting all this in front of his sister; either that or he was just messing with me, which could very well be the case.

So you see, watching baseball isn't only a form of entertainment for me.

It's also the only thing I've got that is keeping me from rocking back and forth in the corner in the fetal position while singing "Billie Jean" at the top of my lungs.

The 21st Century Isn't Ready For Me Yet

I got this phone today.

Now I know how Balki felt when he came to America to live with Cousin Larry on "Perfect Strangers".

I have no earthly clue what I'm doing, although Ciera tells me it has a GPS in it, I can find the 20 closest Mexican restaurants, and Rakes is of the firm belief I can launch a rocket with it.

All I wanna do is be able to talk on the phone, text/bother my closest friends, and surf the web during some down time at work.

Getting on my blog? Check.

Taking a peek at Facebook? Check.

Joining the other maniacs on the SG comment section? Not so much. It shows up for a few seconds, then I get a screen of dark blue where the only thing showing is the Army of WSG that is sort of trippy when there are no words to go with them. According to my crack tech staff of Lydia, Hayes, and Tex this shouldn't be a problem but so far I'm striking out.

However, the fact Tex has this phone and can in fact post on the board tells me I'm on the right track; I've just gotta figure out which fork in the virtual road I should take.

Teddy has hit the road running.

I just don't know where in the world I am.

Oh yeah; Sox sweep the O's, Papi is banging triples off the Monstah, and Pedie went 4-5 and had his uniform filthy by the end of the top of the first.

That, plus the fact that my trip to Boston and the Megapalooza is a little over 4 weeks away?

I can ALMOST forget the fact Trot pooped in his pants 7 times today.

Yes. 7 Times.

It's a good thing there weren't any Percosat in the medicine cabinet.

'Cause you better believe I looked.

Reason 1,698 I'll Never Be Dad of the Year

Andy Taylor is the epitome of a great dad; loving, patient, smart, and you never saw him raise his voice. Even when Opie killed that bird and didn't say anything about it.

It's a pretty safe bet to say I'll never be confused with the Sheriff of Mayberry.

Today pretty much sealed it in stone. From the moment Rakes was rocketing whiffle balls off the living room wall at 7 this morning until about 15 minutes ago when I left the room after Ang and I had another "talk" about some small thing that won't matter come sunrise yet left us both with steam coming out of our ears, it's been one of those days.

A day where I've felt like I failed my family completely, both as a Dad and a husband; one that found me not wanting to get up and go to church but I did anyway. Watching the Sox/O's game undisturbed was the dream, but Ang having to go to Wally World and me having to clean Trot up after he pooped his pants for the THIRD time in a two hour period crushed that pretty quick.

Taking the kids outside seemed like a good idea until we opened the garage door, it started raining, and they went on the front porch. Which wouldn't have been so bad had there not been enough pollen to choke a Clydesdale, Rakes rubbed his hand in it, and before you could say "Zyrtec" his right eye had swollen up like he'd been punched in the face by Sugar Ray Leonard.

What followed was about 3 hours of crying, screaming, yelling, and 3 kids getting 3 different visits to time out while my blood pressure rose in record time and I lost what little patience I had left in me. Maybe it's the OCD. Or the fact I'm just burnt out from work. Or maybe I just need a break and to see my friends. Whatever it was, I acted like the rear end of a south bound donkey to my kids, my wife, and anyone else I came in contact with. Today I was everything I pray everyday I WON'T be.

All I know is I don't really like myself very much right now and I'm pretty sure it's gonna be a long time before I can close my eyes and get to sleep tonight.

But just like a closer who blows the lead in a pivotal game, tomorrow is a new day; I've gotta roll myself out of bed, forget today ever happened, and do my job. Which on a Monday is be the best stay at home Dad I can be without losing my mind or signing them all up for Military School while doing my best impression of Andy Taylor I can muster.

In my defense, though?

Opie never had NOTHING on Rakes and Trot.

Josh Beckett is my Homeboy.

*Image courtesy of elwebman.com*

6-4 win.

Some walks, some strikeouts, 7 stares toward home plate, and one F bomb.

Beckett is 2-1.

And all is right with the world.

The Mothers Day Miracle Lives On

*Image courtesy of sittingstill.net*

After the Red Sox fell behind 7-0 tonight and Gary Thorne was already popping the champagne in the broadcast booth, I remembered Joe C and Dave O'Brien talking about the Mothers Day Miracle. If you're not familiar with this epic event, Jeremy Guthrie and the Orioles had a 5-0 lead on the Sox in the 9th inning, only to gack it up and eventually lose.

I'll give you 3 guesses who was pitching for Baltimore tonight.

Much to my delight and Thorne's lament, the boys did it again. 10-8, Pap with the save, and Gary and Jim Palmer can bite my tweeter.

Jason Bay got it all started with a 2 run HR and with every day that passes I miss Manny just a little bit less.

Dude may look like your 8th grade math teacher but he can pound the rock like nobodies business.

Beckett, fresh off a 6 game suspension handed down by the dinks in the ivory tower is on the bump tomorrow.

Anything less than fire and brimstone coming out of his ears and I'll be more than a little disapointed.

Man, do I love this game.

Even Superman had Kryptonite

Ang took the kids to the zoo today.

And no, Rakes didn't get into a fight with a gorilla. Even if it looks like it.

Apparently Pollen is my boys downfall. We dealt with this same stuff last spring, but we thought the visits to the allergy doctor, combined with the medicine we're paying roughly the budget of a third world country for, and that visit to Madam Cleo had taken care of the issue.

One trip to North Carolina's version of Africa and the boy looks like Ali immediately after the "Thrilla from Manilla". A part of my heart broke tonight when I came home and found him looking so pitiful. Some Zyrtec, a shot of a nasal inhaler, and about 10 hours sleep and he should be as good as new; it's the getting to that point I have a problem with.

While I wait for Rakes to resume his place as Public Enemy #1, I give you some pictures taken Easter Sunday. Yes, I'm a dink for not posting them earlier; in my defense, YOU spend a day here and try and figure out where the time went.

You ever seen a serial criminal decorate Easter Eggs?

I didn't think so.

Peace and Harmony. Who would have thunk it?

I have no idea how I got so lucky to have such a beautiful wife and children. And I choose not to ask about such things; just count my blessings and move on.

Finally, forget Nolan Ryan, Bob Gibson, and Josh Beckett in his finest frothing best. You're a hitter and you see THIS image staring back at you?

If you manage not to wet yourself consider it a victory.

From the look in this picture I'm pretty sure if the boy doesn't end up on the wall of the Post Office I should consider myself lucky.


Sox/O's tomorrow.

It can't come soon enough.

From the Desk of Miss Hathaway

*Photo courtesy of sittingstill.net*

To: Any dink (not my choice of word) who doubted Tim Wakefield

Dear whom it may concern,

As my boss entered the secret underground location, er... office, tonight he was mumbling under his breath about, and I quote, "Stupid job keeping me from watching the game" and "Wake almost throws a no hitter and I'M stuck trying to sell some idiot a sofa they can't afford and I don't have" until he noticed me watching.

Almost immediately he switched gears and asked if the Mitchell report was ready. I instantly recognized this to be a deliberate act to make me forget what I heard, but two things are getting in the way. One, I don't know anyone named Mitchell. And two? He's never looked at a report a day in his life.

I waited until he entered his office, shut his door, and listened for the inevitable stream of expletives to fly because he missed another big game before I searched for "Tim Wakefield" and "Knuckleball" on the internets.

Turns out this young man of 42 is quite the freak of nature; at the age where most professional athletes have retired to a life of golf and early bird specials, this particular gentleman is just now hitting his stride due to some form of pitching that looks really easy to hit yet is quite the opposite.

Now that I think about it, I remember my employer praying for heavy wind, dry conditions, and using the phrase "let it move like the Jackson Five during "ABC". Whatever that means.

Anyways, as I typed up the daily report (I really should just photocopy the thing; every day it's the same; read about the game the day before, curse/celebrate, then check out his fantasy league scores) I could hear him ranting from the next room. Something about "Wait until Papi gets on track, Rivera's arm flies off into RF, and Derek Jeter steps on a sprinkler head".

Honestly, I have no idea what he's talking about most of the time.

For today, however, my job was easy. His team won, Rakes and Trot made it the bathroom every time, and because the game was played this afternoon I can go to bed at a decent hour.

Mind you, he's already left 4 messages muttering about Miller Lite and the fact he's got to watch the MASN broadcast of the O's/Sox series starting this Friday. But it's been in a happy way, so I'm paying him no mind.

I just have one question. Can someone tell me what the phrase " I want to kill the WBC with fire!" means?

Anybody got a live Rooster?

In a lame attempt to reverse the Red Sox bad mojo which I blame for the 2-5 start, I'm posting what may be the greatest baseball moment in cinematic history.

Oh yeah; definitely NSFW.

But really funny.

Back in Oakland. Where it all began. Sort of.

Every time the Red Sox play the A's, like they will starting tonight for the next 3 games, I think back to the 2003 ALDS. Sox drop the first two to Oakland, then win the next 2 at Fenway, then headed back out west for Game 5.

The game is remembered by a lot of people for Derek Lowe's, and I like to use Red from Surviving Grady's term for it, "Bite my Tweeter" move after striking out Jermaine Dye to end the game and send the Sox to the ALCS and that fateful series with Aaron F*****g Boone and the Yankees.

I'll always remember it for the picture I used tonight; Johnny Damon and Damian Jackson had a collision in the outfield you normally see on the fifty yard line of a football game. Honestly, I thought Damon was actually dead at one point.

We all know what happened; Sox lost to the Yankees, Damon turned into the baseball equivalent of Sampson and the Sox won it all the next year. Then he turned into Judas 2 years later, the Sox signed the guy with the name you'd normally see on a cereal box to play CF and they won it all again in 2007. Damon sold his soul to the devil, cut his hair, and turned into a part time player on a professional fantasy league team that hasn't won squat in the 21st Century.

I have no idea what all this means.

But the Sox are in Oakland tonight and Rocco is playing CF.

I'm considering putting out an APB on Jackson just in case.

Blog Post #800: It Always Comes Full Circle

Through all the posts about peeing on the floor, rants regarding walls being defaced and furniture destroyed, it's been there.

From videos of soccer games to videos of miniature mental patients, it's all sort of come back full circle.

Whether it was about The Big Schill, Beckett, or the statistical value of Mike Lowell as the best third baseman since Brooks Robinson without one shred of concrete evidence, there has been one constant at this blog.

I can't write my way out of a paper bag.

For those of you who stop by every day, you have my heart felt condolences to go along with a big "Thank You!" For Tex, the impetus for me starting this train wreck and also my most faithful commenter, I heard you sis. And for my poor wife and kids, who give me subject material on almost an hourly basis, I'm sorry if I've embarrassed you but you're stuck with me for a while longer.

800 posts.

And the best I can come up with is a clam in a MFY cap arguing with another clam wearing a Red Sox cap.

Sounds about right to me.

Welcome to Boston Mr. Penny

*Image from bostonglobe.com*

3 runs, 5 hits, and 6 IP. Not bad for a guy who spent more time in the trainers room than on the field last year for the Dodgers.

Brad Penny got his first win for the Boston Red Sox, and more importantly did what a big time pitcher is supposed to do; stop the bleeding from a 3 game losing streak.

I could care less that 2 of the hits were HR by Mike Napoli or that it took a Mikey Lowell HR and TWO Jason Bay bombs for the Sox to take the lead.

Papelbon giving me a mini-stroke in the ninth by loading the bases, then getting out of it with a strike out and fly out did make my head hurt; I was at the in-laws for dinner and I'm pretty sure my mother in law is doubting my sanity right now. I think today was the first time she's seen me in full-on insanity mode.

I'm still trying to figure out what was more stressful tonight; Pap and his high wire act in the ninth or the coloring of Easter eggs right after with Rakes breaking 4 eggs, Trot whining at the top of his lungs, and my father in law worrying that the dye was going to stain his counter tops permanently.

Who am I kidding?

Rakes ain't got nothing on Paps.