Thursday, June 12, 2008

Some Things I've Learned

Tonight, the following conversation took place between me and Rakes.

Rakes: "I'm Luke Skywalker, Dad."

Me: "Really? How'd that happen?"

Rakes: "I bent to Bonderland, Dad. And this guy waved his hand and BOOM! I'm Luke Skywalker."

Me: "Can he turn me into Brad Pitt?"

Rakes: "Who him, Dad?"

In addition to coming to the realization Rakes has an imagination that would make Stephen King green with envy, I've discovered the following over the past 9 years as a parent.

... kids can throw up in a way that makes that girl in the Exorcist look normal.

... when your 4 year old comes running into the room yelling "I gotta go pee BEALLY bad, Dad!" you'd better unlock the bathroom door or get the mop.

... when you have a 2 year old, you'd better lock the bathroom door. Because the havoc a 2 year old can wreak in an unlocked bathroom FAR outweighs the damage a 4 year old with a bladder the size of a raisin can do.

... Never, and I mean NEVER, teach your daughter how to hit a baseball without wearing a cup. Just trust me on this one.

... just when you think you've seen it all, you'll get a call from your wife telling you about your son rubbing lipstick into the carpet, on the wall, and down the banister. Oh yeah, she'll ask you to get some Turpentine on the way home.

... when your wife just had her third child and wants to watch E? Don't tell her you are busy watching Hell's Kitchen and goofing around on the Internet and she can't turn the channel.

... when she protests, and this is REALLY important, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES do you utter the following unless you want to live the life of a monk: "I'm the only one working around here, and I'll watch whatever I want, wherever I want". Seriously. Don't do it.

Finally, I've learned this. No matter how bad they've been, how tired you are, and how much you don't want to do it, never go to bed without telling anyone under your roof that you love them. It's amazing how much those 3 words will mean.

For the first time since 1975, tomorrow night the Sox will be playing a baseball game in Cincinnati. This isn't The Big Red Machine vs. Fisk, Lee, and Lynn; this is Youk returning home, Jay Bruce vs. Jacoby Ellsbury in the battle of the ROY's, and the hottest man in baseball trying to keep it going on the road.

JD Drew says hello, Cincinnati.


Tree Newt said...

How about never saying "I make five times as much as you, and I shouldn't have to clean the house!"? Is that part of your wisdom?

Or how 'bout "Man, I make this mullet look GOOD!"

Oh wait, I said that. My bad.

Ted D said...

Yeah, that should have been in there, Newt.

It's a blog, though.

Not War and Peace.

I promise it'll be in the book.

If I ever get the guts to write it.

Tex said...

I'd have a retort with this smack talk but i know you two are full of dog doo doo and the King of ya's castles are run by the XX factor.

Edge of Design said...

You were only joking right? It was just made up for blog entertainment. Please tell me you were only kidding and that you did NOT say that.

Ted D said...

Edge, I'm sad to say he wasn't joking. I honestly said that once back in the day.

Clearly, I was feverish and out of my head.

Krystle [RSO] said...

I would like to go to "Bonderland" one day just to see what it is =]. Rakes looks so determined in that picture that it's cute.

Ted D said...

Krystle, Bonderland lives in Rakes' head. Which is a scary place to be.

Krystle [RSO] said...

Well do we want to know what Rakes was thinking...wait, actually.

Everything went well tonight, besides the fact that my dads phone went off during one of the quieter moments during the graduation - things still went perfectly smooth. And no, I didn't trip!

Ted D said...

That question is better left unanswered, Krystle.

And your Dad sounds like a man after my own heart.


~**Dawn**~ said...

I am cracking up, Ted. And more than a little amazed that you survived to share some of it. ;-) One thing though: If you get the opportunity, *please* don't pick Brad Pitt. There are so many better options out there. =P