Sunday, July 31, 2011

After a win, a night at the movies

The Red Sox won 5-3 today, taking the series from the White Sox and finished the month of July with a 20-6 record. So all is well on the baseball front.

Rakes is finally feeling better, Ang got an A on her second class on her way to a Master's Degree, and for once Trot didn't do something that caused me to wonder if there was a mix up at the hospital between us and a circus family and as a result there is some poor family of tight rope walkers touring the country right now and wondering why their son refuses to go up on the high wire. So all is well, for once, on the home front.

I caught the last 15 minutes of "Point Break" last night, and due to the relative calm in my baseball and personal life, I decided to rank my Top 5 All-Time Favorite Movies, starting at #5 and ending with #1. So, without further ado and realizing almost every one of these movies were at the top of Rotten Tomato, here we go.

#5. Heat

It has without a doubt one of the best bank robbery scenes in movie history, a great cast with DeNiro and Pacino at the top of their game, and the guy behind "Miami Vice" directing it. How could it lose?

#4. Roadhouse

Swayze, Elliot, bar fights, The Jeff Healey Band, and "I thought you'd be bigger". Plus, his name was Dalton.

#3. Lonesome Dove

Robert Duvall could have only had the role of Gus in his entire career and it would have been Hall of Fame worthy. He and Tommy Lee Jones made the standard bearer for all Westerns after it and even though I've seen it a million times, Gus' death and Call's reactions still make it a tad dusty.

#2. Shawshank Redemption

Hope is a good thing. It still amazes me the story came from Stephen King, but this movie will always fall under my "if I find it on television flipping channels I have to stop and watch the rest" category. Besides, I could listen to Morgan Freeman read the stock report every day. Lastly, it's given me more quotes that I've been able to use and drive my brother nuts with over the years that it ALMOST made number 1.

#1. Point Break

Hands down. Swayze, Reeves, Busey before he went off the reservation, one of the most ridiculous plots you'll ever see with some of the cheesiest acting and lines ever, yet it works. Reeves peaked and so did Swayze and it's still hard to believe he's no longer with us.

No matter how many times I've seen it, I always wish Bodi would have gotten away in the end.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

WIshing it Could Be Me.

Rakes, to say the least, has had a rough couple of weeks.

First the cavity which led to a crown which has led to it taking 29 minutes every night to brush, rinse, and floss all while he asks me if I can tell the Tooth Fairy he wants to keep the crown when the tooth falls out.

One week after THAT he gets Swimmers Ear, whereupon he and I spend my day off at the Doctor's Office for 4 hours while he alternated between crying because it hurt so bad and asking me if he had to get a shot. Poor kid has not only inherited my unruly head of hair, lack of height, and no butt but he also got my irrational fear of needles as well.

Finally, just two days ago he came down with a 103 degree fever which I'm sure is what I, Ang, and Trot have already had. He's only got one month before he's got to go back to school and I'm sure he's wondering if summer has been THIS fun the next school year is going to bite. Hard.

He did sit with me for the first 6 innings of the game tonight and missed all the fireworks toward the end, but I'm sure he'll be happy to hear me tell him about Gonzo and Youk going yard and Lester winning his 11th.

It'll be the first good news he's had this week.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Father Most Definitely Doesn't Know Best.

When I tucked Beavis and Butthead into bed around 9, after 10 minutes of brushing teeth, flossing, peeing, and saying prayers, I figured I was safe.

After all, Ang had taken the Axis of Evil to the pool this afternoon, which normally results in a coma-induced sleep that lasts to the extremely late hour of 6 a.m. So I headed downstairs, plopped myself in front of Marilyn, the newest 50" woman in my life, and proceeded to watch the "Deadliest Catch" I missed from Tuesday.

Ciera, in a way only an almost 13 year old teenager can do, woke me from by silent bliss by giggling uncontrollably about 45 minutes later and informed me Trot was in Rakes' room playing video games and laughing like those 2 morons from "Dumb and Dumber".

Taking 3 stairs at the time I burst into Rakes' room, whereupon I found Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb playing dead under the covers while the PSP blared "Call of Duty" and smoke came out of my ears. I've taken both game thingamajimmies away for the foreseeable future, threatened violence, and swore I'd take them to the pool the next time Haley's Comet came around.

But I know it's a losing battle. How in God's name am I gonna deal with a beautiful daughter I prayed would turn out ugly hitting puberty while trying to keep two concrete-headed boys from burning down the mission, or at the very least the back yard while trying to keep a wife getting her Master's Degree from going crazy while I do my very best to just tread freaking water and hope I make it out alive on the other side?

Throw in the fact the Sox lost to the Royals 4.3 while 2/3rds of the Three Amigos were in attendance and I find myself in quite the conundrum.

Screw it; after tomorrow I'm looking at 3 days off with a beach vacation and a trip to Boston all in the next 6 1/2 weeks.

Let Rome burn.

I'll figure it out later.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I'm thinking "Marilyn" makes a fine name.

*Image courtesy of my friend Kelly and*

You gotta give it up to Papi.

Not only does he get his 1000th RBI but he does it in style with a Grand Slam. We were giving Heckle and Jeckle a bath at the time and in years past I would have missed it but thanks to my new 50" Plasma I was able to stand on the landing at the top of the stairs while Ang yelled at Trot for getting her soaked while he attempted the aqautic version of the "Lambada".

Reason 4,599 I'm giving it a name as soon as I can come up with one worthy enough to christen her with.

The tv.

Not Ang.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Long night at Fenway. In a Good Way.


3 1/2 hours in and it's the top of the eight inning.

I love the game of baseball and I expect 4 hour games when it's the Yankees but watching the Red Sox beat the Royals for this long only reminds me of the difference between a gut busting game between two arch rivals and a game between a superior team and a cellar dweller where bad pitching, worse defense, and it appearing at times if batting practice is going on.

Yet even in a game this ugly we've got the drama of whether Pedie will hit for the cycle, Aceves hitting Billy Butler in the back for having the audacity to have a good night at the plate, wondering if Tito will break the world record one night for most pieces of gum in a human mouth at one time, and the pure joy of seeing Tek hit one completely out of the park.

I'm not sure what all that means or what it say's about me but I do know this.

I. Love. This. Game.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Can I Get A Mulligan?

If you're a parent you've had days like the one I had today. Where no matter what you said, nobody listened; a day in which you want to take your kids to the pool and spend some time with them (the fact it's like a massive sleeping pill later on is merely a side benefit) but can't due to not one, but TWO thunderstorms; a day where you could actually sleep in a little bit due to the fact you're off work but they suddenly decide THIS morning is when they'll turn playing the Wii into War Games at 6:30 in the freaking morning.

Literally, from then until I just put them in the bed 15 minutes ago today I could have accomplished more by going outside and banging my head on the brick covering the front of my house than all the things that occurred over the past 15 or so hours.

So, in honor of my Clark Griswoldish day and in honor of all parents who ever had "one of those days" I give you the legend himself, Clark. W. Griswold, to express what we all wish we could say but most of us never do.

Needless to say, the language that follows is most definitely not safe for work, small children, Grandparents, and jumpy farm animals.

I'll be curled up in the fetal position if you need me.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

I've GOT to install those 24 hour cameras soon.

I was on the phone with Jr today and the house was in it's usual state of loudness, which is another way to say we were at Defcon 5.

Trot was singing in his fever induced state, Ciera was egging him on, Rakes had just knocked over this metal thing next to the fridge, and Ang was going into orbit all while I tried to talk to Rich about a kid he went to school with that walked in the winning run on a wild pitch while trying to intentionally walk the runner.

Rich, and if you know him this next line may be hard to believe, actually went momentarily silent before asking me a question I ask myself on a daily basis.

"How do you DO that EVERY day?"


It's a race between them and my blood pressure to the finish line.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Son, you got a panty on your head.

*Image courtesy of Kelly and*

3 in a row.

I don't care that it's come against the Mariners, the Bad News Bears, or the Sisters of the Poor.

He went 7 innings, gave up 1 run, and according to my informal calculations dropped about 349 words the FCC would fine NESN for he only gave up ONE run which means John Lackey has now won 3 consecutive games.

The Sox got to King Felix, Pap was drama-free in the ninth, and the Mariners have now lost 13 in a row.

It sort of makes up for the fact Trot is running a 101 degree temperature, Ciera is either getting sick herself or is now a hypochondriac, and Rakes may or may not be certifiable.

I'll be taking these huggies.

And whatever cash you got.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

A Visit from Trot.

It happened so fast I didn't have time to get my phone out and take a picture.

Ang and the kids came by to see me today and in between jumping from one mattress to the other, racing from the front of the store to the back, and scaring the beejeebus out of two little blue hairs who just happened to get in his way, Trot discovered the magic of the recliners.

We don't have any at home, and while both sets of Grandparents do, he apparently has been too busy raiding the pantry whenever he's there to notice.

Yet there he was, reclined back in a chair without a care in the world. This wasn't the reason I wished I'd have gotten my camera out.

It was when he tried to close it and couldn't. He pushed, kicked, jumped off the chair onto the foot rest and even enlisted Rakes to help. Still wouldn't close.

So he did what most of us would do.

He squatted down and using his head like a battering ram and ended up doing a headstand against the recliner right in the main isle of the store.

Did I mention today is an off day?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Like The Lone Ranger without Tonto.

My little buddy, along with his demented brother, spent the night at my Mom's house tonight with their big cousins so I'm blaming the fact he wasn't sitting next to me asking a million questions about why Jacoby Ellsbury wears one long sleeve and one short one for the 6-2 loss.

That and the fact I wasn't wearing my Gonzo t-shirt Josh and Amy got me for Christmas.

What can I say?

I gotta wash it sometime.

I try to take positives out of every loss, and tonight was no exception. 'Cause after staying up 'til near 2 a.m. Monday morning and then having a 15-10 win last nearly as long at least tonight was like a mob hit.

Quick and over in time to grab a snack afterword.

Plus it's a day game tomorrow and I'll be at work so I won't have to suffer a Gary Thorne game until the next time they play the Orioles.

Turns out I'm a "glass is half full" kinda guy.

Who knew?

Monday, July 18, 2011

No Papi? No Problem.

*Image courtesy of Kelly O and*

Even after playing a 16 inning game in Tampa and getting into Baltimore at 6 a.m. and even with Papi sitting out the next 3 games for throwing punches that would make Hulk Hogan say looked bad the Sox STILL managed to score 15 runs against Baltimore while allowing a whopping 10.

Yeah. That whole rivalry thing with the Oriole's that the O's front office, fans, manager, coaches, and towel boy was envisioning after the first two games this year?

Not happening, fellas.

The train keeps a rollin' tomorrow night.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

0-0 at The Trop.

Bottom of the ninth.

Two on, two out.

Longoria vs Bard.

And me all out of paper bags to hyperventilate in 'cause Ang is environmentally supportive.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Laser Show

Captain Shortpants went yard AGAIN today.

When The Munchkin is rolling?

Good times for the Sox.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

This stuff ONLY happens during the ASB.

Thanks to a recent cavity by Rakes we now spend roughly an hour and a half brushing, flossing, rinsing, and taking years off my life every night before the boys go to bed. When I was a kid if you had a cavity you put a band aid on it, taped some aspirin on your forehead and went about your business.

Today? You go to the Dentist, he tells you the problem, then you have to make ANOTHER appointment to go back, thereby DOUBLING the attendance fee or whatever they call it. THEN they tell you they may have to fix it, cap it, crown it, and apparently hand make it.


Anyways, I digress. Tonight as Ang and I helped them get their mouths in pristine shape before bed and I watched my two lovable scamps grunt and yell and shriek and grunt some more I was struck with the indelible image of watching the chimpanzees at the zoo at feeding time.

All because of a stinking cavity.

Sox back tomorrow night.

It can't get here soon enough.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I'll Be Fine. Seriously.

Captains Log: Wednesday, July 13th.

No baseball game tonight. No glorified BP, no All-Star exhibition, nothing. Oh, the Commissioner, the bumbling used car salesman that billionaires decided was competent enough to run the game has decreed we're getting realignment, MORE instant replay, and two more Wild Card teams had a press conference today to announce all of the above.

OK, I'll give him realignment. If the Diamondbacks or Astros are willing to switch leagues? Great. It makes a balanced 15 teams per league and will probably prevent some of the stupid scheduling conflicts we're seeing in todays game.

But MORE instant replays, meaning MORE delays to games that already run about 3 1/2 hours? Why don't we just replace all the umpires with cyborgs already and just get it over with? And TWO more Wild Card teams? Let's just turn this into the NBA where everybody not named Sacramento or Charlotte gets in?

This moron has presided over a season with no World Series, the steroid era, millions of viewers forced to listen to Tim McCarver bumble his way through a Saturday afternoon game, an All-Star Game called because there weren't enough players left to play, and if nothing else, the fact Angel Hernandez and Joe West still have jobs as umpires is enough of an argument to impeach his sorry *** NOW.

Let's face facts. I could have Trot switch places with Uncle Bud and other than a mandatory "No Peeing on the infield grass" it would stay the same. Or actually get better. I say let's let Charlie Sheen or Carrot Top or Napoleon Dynamite run the game.

If it's gonna be a total screw up, it might as well be somewhat entertaining.

Sorry for the rant.

I get sorta cranky with no baseball.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Somewhere Ray Fosse is TICKED.

Granted, the All-Star break usually leaves me light headed and disoriented being that I'm used to watching a Red Sox game every night and instead I end up watching batting practice that lasts 3 hours on Monday and an exhibition game that makes it seem like nobody wants to win, just get everybody on the roster in the game.

Yeah, World Series home field advantage is on the line. But if they took it seriously, don't you think Bruce Bochey would just leave Doc in the game until the 15th inning? I gotta admit; after the player introductions I'm flipping back and forth like my Pop during the OJ trial.

This year, Mother Nature has added to my addledness. Or something.

It was a balmy 102 degrees today and with the heat index, El Nino, and Rakes with a gnarly case of swimmers ear it seemed like it was about 400. At one point this evening I took the trash out to the garage and after 30 seconds I could have sworn I saw Johnny Pesky sitting on top of my garbage can asking me if Dom, Teddy, and Bobby could come out and play.

Gonzo did hit a wicked bomb during the game, so that was nice.

Can it be Friday yet?

Monday, July 11, 2011

What I Thought I Knew. I Didn't.

My strategy of "Shock and Awe" when it comes to the pool of having Rakes and Trot splash every bit of water out and then come home and crash and burn came back to bite me on my non-existent rear end today, as I spent 3 hours at the Doctor with Rakes and came away with a diagnosis of "Swimmers Ear".

For about a week and a half he's complained of his ear being stopped up, even going so far as to jump up and down while whacking the side of his head while on one leg, much like Kramer in the series finale of "Seinfeld".

We tried hot baby oil, thinking it was wax build up. We then went to the generic swimmers ear remedy, but unfortunately his ear had swelled up so much the drops never made it down.

So they put some sort of tube thing in his ear, he spent most of the three hours either telling me he wanted to go home or crying (normally, crying is reserved for limbs barely hanging on or bone coming through the skin so I knew it was serious) and was given a prescription ear drop and unlimited Tylenol usage.

And no pool for a week.


I wonder if this is how Napoleon felt at Waterloo.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Now for the LONGEST 4 days of the Season.

They started 0-6 and at one point were like 2-10.

Yet at the ASB they are 20 games over .500 and leading the AL East by 1 game. Slappy is out for 4-6 weeks, Beckett got a clean bill of health, and judging from the 32 runs they scored in a 4 game sweep of the Orioles this weekend I'd say the bats are just fine.

Not to mention the fight, near fight, multiple ejections and general chaos that accompanied those 4 wins.

Half way there and we've got Crawford, Clay, and Lester due back after the break.

Jr. I TOLD you they'd be all right.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Pining for the Rem Dawg.

*Picture courtesy of Kelly O and*

His Jekyll and Hyde year continues. After going 2 1/3 in his last outing, Lackey went 6 2/3 tonight, didn't allow a run, and probably earned himself a spot in Beckett's Ring of Honor for plunking D Lee in the hip with a fastball in his last inning of work due to the festivities lingering from last night.

Speaking of which, the more I watch the clip of Papi charging the mound he and Gregg look like two Rams banging into each other. Thank God neither one of them landed a punch 'cause a shattered orbital bone or 3 was in the offing.

I was once again subjected to the Orioles feed, thanks to Uncle Bud and the infinite wisdom of MLB who have decreed I, a mere 5 hours away, am considered part of the "home market" for a baseball team that hasn't been relevant since the late 90's. Throw in the fact I have to listen to a crew of doorknobs and imbeciles call these 3 plus hours and I'm ready to storm MLB Headquarters with a wheelbarrow full of dirt clods and Trot and Rakes bringing up the rear with Super Squirters.

Imagine what I'd be like if the Sox didn't win 4-0?

Friday, July 8, 2011

Me Nombre es Trot.

Today, while the kids were getting ready to leave the pool, two ladies who happened to be Hispanic came in to clean the restrooms.

Trot, who is apparently bi-lingual, ran into the restroom and asked them, according to Ang, about 7,000 questions about what they were doing, who they were, and why were they here.

You should have heard him re-enact this conversation for me over dinner.

He gave me the entire thing.

In Spanish. Or rather, HIS version of Spanish which sort of sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher only with a higher voice.

And he did it with the straightest face imaginable, like I was buying he was actually speaking Spanish to me the entire time.

If anyone other than us had heard this, relations between our two countries would have reached an all-new low.

Thursday, July 7, 2011


*Photo courtesy of Kelly and*

After enduring a 35 minute dinner where I uttered the words "Trot, sit up and eat your food" while he replied with "I'm really tired, Dad" (Sometimes the magic of the pool backfires) and with the prospects of having to listen to Gary Thorne and Mike Flannagan call the game on MASN thanks to the idiocy of MLB and their "home markets" for 3 plus hours I needed something to pick me up.

The Oriole's scoring 2 in the first wasn't it.

But Ells, Papi, Gonzo, Salty, Pedie, and Chronicles going yard in a 10-4 win?

Definitely more like it.

Going back to back to back at one point?


I go to bed basking in the glow of an epic beat down AND the fact that the boys have a 1/2 game lead over the Yankees and are in first place in the AL East.

All in all, not a bad way to end a Thursday.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Father Time Does It Again

*Picture courtesy of Kelly O and*

7 innings, 7 K's, and 3 runs.

And he's 98 years old.

I hope he pitches until he's 50 and it better not be for anybody other than the Red Sox.

1/2 game back and it's gonna be a wild second half in the AL East.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Taxi Driver: The Rakes Edition

After begging the past two summers for a Mohawk, Ang finally gave in and I now have a 7 year old Travis Bickle running around my house. It's slightly disconcerting imagining him in the bath room, looking at the mirror and asking "You talking to me? You talking to ME?"

Thankfully, he's been told repeatedly by the time school starts it'll be gone.

Which is good news, considering the school has enough to deal with since Trot will be starting Kindergarten this fall.

Adding injury to insult is the fact Lester left the game after 4 no hit innings with what the NESN crew is calling "an upper Lat strain".

Sox win 3-2, which takes some of the sting away but I'm not looking forward to a rotation that is minus Lester and Clay for the foreseeable future.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Beckett Sweeps The Leg!

Just found this picture taken by my friend Kelly ( and it reminded me of carrying Trot upstairs after he's fallen asleep on the couch.

It also captures perfectly how I felt after watching Beckett go 8 innings, strike out 11, give up 1 run and in general look like he's at his snorting, cursing, anti-establishment best, even going so far as to totally brush off the NESN reporter after the game.

Who knows? Maybe making the 2011 All-Star team makes him even MORE surly?

What I do know is this; he's 7-3 with SEVEN no decisions to his credit already this season which should make every hitter on the team a tad nervous. Would YOU want to be one of the reasons he doesn't win 20 games this year? I also know that with one more win he's halfway to 16 wins and if he's 8-3 by the All-Star break?

A certain foul mouthed, borderline midget with a receding hair line and a heart of gold is gonna owe me $100.

Hopefully by the time I head to Boston in September.

2011: Year of The Beckett.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Entering the 21st Century? Me.

Tonight,for the first time in my married life I watched a Red Sox game, in my own home, on a television bigger than 32 inches.

Throw in the fact they won 10-4?

I has a happy.

Friday, July 1, 2011

That Samuel Jackson Book? Spot On.

Rakes and Trot have two of their buddies sleeping over tonight.

So far I've only had to threaten Trot with military school twice and only had to tell Rakes and his buddy to settle down 25 times.

How my Mom and Dad dealt with this and 5 kids is beyond me.

'Course right around the time they started the "we're in bed but we don't really have to go to sleep thing" the Sox were scoring 6 runs in the 7th inning to take a 7-5 lead over the Astros.

So I'm not gonna complain.