Real Life is Funnier Than Anything I Could Make Up.

Watching the Red Sox dismantle the Orioles earlier tonight (before God sent a thunderstorm of biblical proportions over Camden Yards, suspending the game and causing me to unleash a stream of profanities in my mind over the fact John Smoltz is DEALING and may not come back out to get the official W) the following events took place.

Rakes, stretched out on the couch next to me was playing with a used cell phone he got from his Papa today and, I thought, paying no attention to what was happening on the television.

Gary Thorne, or he who I wish would get run over by a Zamboni on his next hockey telecast, was going over the all time winningest pitchers in the post-season. Smoltz was first, Tommy Glavine was second, and Gred Maddox was 5th or so. Thorne then pontificated, in that annoying way he says most things, that Smoltz, due to pitching again this season may have ruined the chances for the Three Amigos of Atlanta (Smoltz, Glavine, and Maddox) to enter the Hall of Fame together 5 years from now.

As soon as "Maddox has retired" came out of his mouth, Rakes hollered the following:

"Maddox has retired? I LOVE Maddox!"

Pause........

"Who's Maddox?"

Just when I think I'll never laugh that hard again, my future Juvenile Delinquent goes and proves me wrong.

Tarp is coming off in Baltimore, so here's to Smoltz getting that first win as a Red Sox a little later on.

Looks Like We Made It After All

I've seen a lot by having 3 children. One has been the epitome of Miss Manners ever since she was old enough to know better, another has had his moments (peeing outside the van in the garage, running through the house with the roll of toilet paper flying behind him, etc..) and the third one makes a goat look like it went to Martha Stewart's charm school.

After 3 years of fringe behavior, ranging from pooping on the floor leading to the garage to whizzing in a vase in his room to grossing out Sunday School teachers 3 out of 4 weeks every month, we've always been right on the edge.

Yesterday? We made The Show.

My 3 year old, 30 pound baby boy managed to shut down the community swimming pool for a 24 hour period, complete with a padlock on the gate and a note letting ALL the other neighbors know the pool was unavailable due to a "public health concern".

Now I know how Earl Woods felt when Tiger made that first birdie at the same age.

God help me, but the first thing I thought of when Ang called and filled me in was the following scene from "Caddyshack".



There is no freaking way I'm ever making it to the age of 50.

Blue Hairs All Over The World Rejoice

*Image courtesy of Yahoosports.com*

Tim Wakefield is now 10-3. Since I'm currently 39 years old, the fact Old Man River is only 43 doesn't seem that remarkable; when you consider he plays the game of baseball for a living?

Dude has found The Fountain of Youth and is channeling Father Time all at once.

Kevin Slowey. Roy Halladay. And Tim Wakefield.

The only 3 guys in the AL with 10 wins, although Wake's brother in arms Josh Beckett is just one behind. No CC Sabbathia, no AJ Burnett, no Chien Ming Wang.....

You get the idea. A guy old enough to be the Dad of most guys pitching in the game today is tied for the league lead in wins and if there is any justice in the world he'll make his first All-Star game next month.

Makes me want to go out and sign up for a Triathlon.

If only I had the time, will power, and desire.

Congrats, Timmy.

Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

I'm Josh Beckett. And You're Not.

*Image courtesy of Yahoosports.com*

In addition to spitting nails and throwing thunder, Josh Beckett is now 9-3 for the year following a 7 inning outing against the Braves that resulted in a 4-1 Red Sox win.

Attention to the rest of the American League.

The Commander of the Kick A*& Brigade is back.

You've all been warned.

You Can't Always Get What You Want.

*Image courtesy of Yahoosports.com*

It wasn't the storybook ending most of us hoped for, but all in all?

Not half bad.

Smoltz went 6 innings, struck out 5, walked 1, gave up some bloop hits and 5 ER. He also hit 93 with his fastball, threw some nasty breaking stuff, and didn't make me reach for the TUMS.

Not bad for his first start in over a year.

To put in another light? I'll take what Smoltz gave us over any Daisuke outing this year that wasn't pitched in the WBC.

Sox take 2 out of 3 from the Nationals, on the road, and if they do that for the rest of the year Teddy is watching post-season baseball played at Fenway Park and Jeter is sitting on a beach in Mexico sipping a fru fru drink out of an umbrella.

I'll take that 7 days a week.

In other news, both Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson passed away today. While this only reinforces my own mortality and reminds me I'm 39 years old motoring toward 50, I've had mixed feelings all day.

On the one hand, I'm sad anyone crossed over to the great beyond. And Farrah fought the good fight against cancer for a long time, so we all sort of expected it. Jacko is a different type of animal. There is no doubt he was a phenomenal talent who changed the music industry, MTV, and all of pop culture. And for that I give him his due.

He was also an accused pedophile with a mountain of evidence to back it up, guilty conviction or not.

OJ Simpson wasn't found guilty by a jury of his peers either.

As a Father I have a hard time finding any sort of sympathy for the passing of someone who molested children. Allegedly. I realize we have a judicial system and due process, but if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and swims like a duck?

It's a freaking duck.

I don't want to diminish the fact that a very talented man passed away today. I'd just like for everyone to consider the fact that there may be innocent victims left behind that deserve our sympathy even more.

And that's all I've got to say about that.

Sox vs Braves tomorrow night.

It can't get here soon enough.

Rolling, Rolling, Rolling. Keep Rolling, Rolling Rolling.

Somewhere in the offices of the MLB Schedule Makers there is someone who hates me.

I have no other explanation for the fact the Red Sox have one more game left against the Nationals, followed by 3 against Atlanta and 3 more against Baltimore. All three teams JUST SO HAPPEN to be viewed by MLB as being in my home market. Meaning no DO and Dave Roberts but a steady diet of Rob Dibble, Chip Carey, and Gary Thorne.

All I need is Hawk Harrelson calling the White Sox and I'm in broadcast hell.

Tomorrow I'll get Miss Hathaway to fire off an expletive filled letter to Bud Selig demanding to know why in the name of all that is good and holy can I be five hours away from all three teams and still considered part of the home market. But for tonight? I'll just rejoice in the Sox taking Game Two by a score of 6-4 and hope Mariano can gack up the lead to the Braves and leave the MFY 6 games back.

However, I can't promise that after 9 games that sometime next week I won't be swigging straight out from a bottle of Johnny Walker Red and find out Uncle Bud has taken out a restraining order on me.

Seriously; how much is one man expected to take?

Red Sox show the rest of the AL how to play.

*Image courtesy of yahoosports.com*

Red Sox 11, Nationals 3.

Hello, New York. THAT is how you play the worse team in baseball.

Oh yeah, we took 2 out of 3 from Atlanta.

Good luck with that.

Someone tell Girardi that I heard Hooters is hiring.

It's funny how things tend to have a way of working themselves out.

I had an Epiphany. Or Something.

Due to the perfect circle of no Red Sox game combined with Deadliest Catch running on TUESDAY instead of today and "The Big Bang Theory" being a rerun, I've spent the evening watching the National Geographic channel.

So far I've watched "Saddam Hussien's Iraq" and "Iran and the West", and I've realized the following. In the 70's we backed Iran, ruled over by the Shah who liked rock and roll and the West but pretty much killed anyone who looked at him wrong. When he got thrown out, we shifted to Saddam and his goon squad; we all know how THAT move turned out.

Now we're in bed with Saudi Arabia, which if history is any sort of judge will end with us looking like Charlie Brown after Lucy pulls the football away for the millionth time and us wondering which one of these nut job countries we can tag team with next.

Which got me to thinking (this is usually never a good thing) and I've come up with the perfect party to back in the next elections.

Make this guy the President.....

Have this guy as his running mate...

And for the Secretary of Defense?


Seriously, if we've got these three head hunters running the show? Who in their right mind is going to test us?

Thankfully, the Red Sox will be back on my tv tomorrow, I'll be wiped out from working 10 hours, and my thoughts will be consumed with how John Smoltz will look on Thursday, how the Red Sox can bury Daisuke on the DL for the rest of the year, and why can't someone under the age of 62 get a .34 cent coffee at McDonalds like all the senior citizens get to enjoy?

Forget the fact I don't drink coffee; I just want equal rights for everyone.

You gotta admit, though.

Trot Nixon as President would be totally 'bitchin.

Nick Green say's Happy Fathers Day

*Image courtesy of the bostonglobe.com*

Holidays are always a long day around here. Thankfully, both Ang and my parents are still with us and close by so we get to see them as often as we like and get to spend every holiday with them.

The down side of all this is it's usually a long day when you combine visiting two households while hauling around the equivalent of 3 house pets.

Only these talk. A LOT.

Being that TBS blacked me out today ( I live in NC; 5 plus hours from Atlanta. Can someone smarter than me tell me how in the name of Johnny Appleseed am I in the Braves "Home Market"?), my in laws have basic, and I do mean BASIC cable and by the time I got home it was the 7th inning and tied 4-4.

That, combined with it going to 5-5 and Pap loading the bases in the top of the ninth only to get out of it with some WAY high cheese left me feeling like I'd just spent the afternoon riding a bull named Fu Man Chu for 4 hours straight.

One pitch to Nick Green and it's all good; walk off win on a HR around the Pesky Pole combined with the Yanks losing to the Marlins and the Sox are up in the AL East by 4 games.

Happy Fathers Day to all you Dad's out there.

Nick Green thanks you.

Saturday Night in Durham with the B Brothers

The highlight to a great night at the park.

Pawtucket pitcher Billy Traber, walking off the field after his team beat the Durham Bulls 4-3, walking over to where we were sitting, motioning to Rakes, and then giving him a game used ball. He then waited patiently while I fumbled with the camera, then picked up Rakes for me to snap this picture.

I don't think Rakes feet hit the ground until I put him to bed tonight. From ab and BB trying to get him to run onto the field and get them a ball for a dollar, to Wooly the Bull driving a go cart around the field, and all the way to ab bringing all of the non facial hair having members of our party an honorary B brothers 'stache, it was a great night all around.

There is a shot of all of us with various facial hair, but it's on the camera of the lovely DB so I've got to wait until she sends it to me in order to share it. (Ciera was choking on the hairs of her 'stache at the time and I didn't have the opportunity to get one with my camera) In the meantime, I'll leave you with a preview courtesy of Rakes and ab.

And yes. It was even better in person.

Thanks again boys, for a great night with some good friends.

Looking forward to doing it again sometime soon.

* I corrected the error in the blog earlier. Turns out it wasn't Ron Johnson, even though he wore #21, but Pitcher Billy Traber. Thanks for the heads up, Kelly!*

Land of the Lost

*Image Courtesy of Yahoosports.com*

Maybe it was the WBC. Or the fact he's thrown about 7, 987 innings over the last 10 years. Or maybe, just maybe his arm is the baseball equivalent of a wet noodle.

I have no idea. I'm just fairly confident something isn't right with our $100 million dollar import from the Land of the Rising Sun.

1-5 after getting basted by the Braves tonight, and unless the Sox can use the "Dontrelle Willis Defense" and get him on the DL I have no clue what the Red Sox are supposed to do.

I'm just really glad John Smoltz is waiting in the wings and that Theo didn't trade Brad Penny for a bag of balls and a utility infielder.

Beckett vs D Lowe tomorrow, and I've got high hopes The Commander will round back into form.

On a positive note, I'm headed to Durham after work to catch the PawSox play the Bulls with AB, BB, DB, etc.. with Ang, Rakes, and Ciera. Hope I've got time to stop off and buy myself a Magnum PI shirt on the way.

Why can't God only let it rain during the Winter?

6th inning at Fenway and the Umps have called a rain delay due to the fact there was a report someone saw an ark floating down Lansdowne Street.

Sox are losing 2-1 so I'm hoping ownership has instructed everyone who'll listen that if they have to play at 1 a.m. they will, but I'm not holding out too much hope. If you take a look at the Boston radar you'd get the impression we're getting ready for 40 days and 40 nights of this mess.

Thankfully I'm enjoying this from the comfort of my office rather than sitting in the rain like my friends Cyn and Kelly; although knowing them, they are safely ensconced under the bowels of Fenway in some out of the way corner where there is a beer vendor and a sausage guy the normal fan doesn't know about. Kelly is wicked awesome in her knowledge of the park and it's nooks and crannies in a way the Fenway tour guides could only DREAM of reaching.

So I'm left here watching Red Sox Rewind on NESN, celebrating the Skanks losing to the worst team in all of baseball in the Washington Nationals (Heh.) and wondering what to do with myself for the next 2 hours until I can get to bed.

I wonder if George Foreman is pimping anything over at the Home Shopping Network?

It's a Pirate's Life for Me.

*Image from smallfox.typepad.com*

As I read this book to Rakes at bedtime tonight, I couldn't help but think about the bullpen band and the Pirates who make it up.

He was a little concerned when I told him the relief pitchers made it up but in the end?

It was the Red Sox.

And he understood.

Sox beat the Marlins, the Skanks lose to the Nationals, and all is right with the world.

However, I miss Mike Timlin like you wouldn't believe.

I've Got Friends in Low Places.

Ever since Al Gore invented the Internets, there has been one example after another about how messed up the world is.

From spammers filling our in boxes with ads for Viagra and the AARP to some dude in Argentina willing to give me millions for the minimal processing fee along with some dink living in his parents basement popping up on comment boards to stir it up there are countless more reasons to wish we'd all just unplug and move on.

For all the things that are wrong with the world wide web, can I offer up a positive?

Because there is now a way for me to connect with like minded, Red Sox obsessed people I've managed to meet some of the finest people you could imagine over the past 3 years.

The above picture shows most of them hanging outside the window of a bar in Boston.

Seriously, as a guy who carries his lunchpail to work and before getting the Internet at home could count his friends on one hand with fingers left over?

Technology is a beautiful thing.

Other than my wife and brother, all my closest friends are people I've "met" online.

Rob and Jane, JB and Amy, Candaon, Tex, hayes, Jr, Cyn, Kelly, ab, BB, DB, Beth, JET, Trot's Hat, etc.... You know who you are. And everyone I didn't mention? My life is better just knowing you all.

My point is this; make sure you warn your kids about that weird dude hanging out in the chat rooms, but don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

'Cause you never know what you'll miss out on.

Sox beat the Marlins 8-2 with Wake getting win #9.

Word to your motha'.

Off Days Are The Suck

With the Red Sox off today, I came face to face with my retirement years.

There is no doubt the above picture will be a mug shot someday in the near future.

Thankfully tomorrow brings the Marlins to Fenway and I can retreat to my post in the backyard with my head firmly buried in the sand.

With any type of luck, the Yankees will lose and I can sleep the sleep of the righteous for one more night.

No, Son. We CAN'T buy one just for us.

The next door neighbor's little boy had his birthday party today, complete with a huge blow up water slide that caused all three of my kids, at various times today, to come up to me and ask for this to be their next birthday/Christmas present, whichever came first.

In the midst of all this I've got Josh Beckett pitching in Philly, Ang wondering why I'm running back home every 5 minutes and I had to change the battery on my phone on 3 separate occasions.

Whoever said being a Dad was easy obviously never had to multi-task.

Turns out the slide was far better than the game as the Sox lost 11-6, even though The Commander went yard in support of his own cause, Tito may have chosen his starting lineup with the old "Eenie Meenie, Mynie Moe" method, and Saito apparently let Jimmy Rollins know he didn't appreciate the Home Run earlier in the game with a good old fashioned fastball to the ribs.

One of these days I'm going to stumble across the secret formula on how to balance family life with an obsession with all things Red Sox. And when I do?

I'm retiring to some beach in the South Pacific where all I'll need is a satellite dish, the USA Today, and a hammock.

Big Business Needs a Reality Check

Apparently, Lowes has some program where they allow anyone to come to one of their stores to make some pre-arranged project as a community outreach program.

After today, I'm sure there is some middle aged store manager furiously dialing the corporate office demanding they discontinue this project ASAP after Huey, Dewey, and Louie descended upon the local affiliate.

Especially after they gave Trot a hammer and let him go.

Evidently this is some Father's Day present gone horribly wrong and while I'm confident it'll end in someone getting dismembered or fired, Ang is positive it'll be a day I'll never forget.

Finally, we have something we can agree on.

The only difference is I see a prison sentence in someone's future.

Al Pacino IS Terry Francona. Or Something.

Pacino is the Red Sox.

DeNiro the Yankees.

And yes, I can tie ANYTHING to Baseball.

It's the bottom of the 11th in Philly, Sox/Phillies are tied 2-2, and I'm spent.

10 hour workday + tired Ang + Rakes and Trot bouncing off the walls = Ted and his nerves are fried.

I'm hoping for a HR in the top of the next inning, followed by someone, ANYONE, striking out the side.

8-0

Even with their Ace on the mound, the Skanks can't avoid the sweep.

Season series record? Sox 8, Yankees 0.

If I could dance, I'd be doing the Macarena right now.

I really wish some ballsy New York reporter would walk up to Sabbathia right now and ask him if he ever thought Brad Penny would beat him.

::Moonwalks::

7-0. Life is good.

6-5.

Sox win and Wake takes the W.

That makes the season series 7-0 Red Sox.

I'm ignoring the fact that Pap almost gave me a heart attack and I'm reveling in the fact Joe Girardi is counting on 300 lb CC Sabbathia to save the series.

If I'd have took this scenario to Hollywood they'd have laughed in my face.

I'm getting out my broom for tomorrow; Sweeps don't suck.