Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Wild Bunch

Every now and then as I'm driving back and forth across NC calling on my customers, I'll imagine myself as a stay at home Dad: you know, if we win the lottery, Ed McMahon comes knocking on my door, or suddenly some never before seen athletic skill appears and I become the oldest Rookie of the Year EVER.

Taking the kids to school, cleaning the house, and changing diapers? I already do all that, just not as much as Angie. Taking them to the park, outside to play, or to the mall? I could do that: might take some getting used to, but man would it be nice to be able to be with my kids all day.

Just when I think I've got myself absolutely convinced I could handle it, I invariably get a call from Angie like the one I got today: and I realize I've been kidding myself. There is NO WAY I could do it and keep my sanity.

Rakes followed Angie into Ciera's room and asked about all the presents under her little tree ( We have to put the presents upstairs with the door locked: don't ask.), in particular one that was bigger than the others.

Angie: That's yours.
Rakes: Can I open it?
Angie: Not until Christmas.
Rakes: Otay.

Angie locks Ciera's door, then locks the study door that leads to Ciera's room, AND puts the penny used to open the doors on TOP of a picture frame hanging 5 feet off the ground. Two minutes later, after changing Trots diaper, Angie comes out in the hall and sees the following: a chair under the picture frame, the door to the study open, and strolling out of Ciera's aforementioned locked door, Rakes.

Angie: What are you doing buddy?
Rakes: Me not doing anything.
Angie: You didn't open that present did you?
Rakes: No, me not. Dat is a cool Spider Man helmet, Mom.

Later in the day, completely wore out by Trot pushing a bar stool around the kitchen and climbing into the sink, on top of the stove, and into the refrigerator, Angie takes some wire and ties all 4 bar stools together while Sundance stands there and quietly watches her.

10 minutes later she hears the unmistakable sound of a bar stool being slid across the floor: how that little sucker cut that wire we have no idea.

Now, what they did today is pretty tame in the grand scheme of things: but make it 5 days a week with days like today, and then combine THAT with the peeing out of the car door, playing in the toilet, and rubbing lipstick all over the wall incidents that always pop up.

THAT little cocktail?

I'd never get out alive.


Tex said...

i think you'd better find a new hiding place for presents. or better yet..what happened to the idea of scaring him with Santa?

I think Angie needs a raise. And a day or two off every week. along with a maid once a week. a spa retreat weekend. a new purse and outfit which inclues shoes. a cook. oh and a hot glue gun

Tex said...

oh yeah...maybe a new key and lock instead of a penney??

Ted D said...

She's already GOT a hot glue gun. And a purse. For that matter, I'M the maid.

And the penny would work if my kids weren't evil geniuses. I'm pretty sure I could tape it to the ceiling and he'd figure out a way to get it down.

JMP said...

That posting was great.
Your little Dennis the menace is something else.
Angie must be a saint.

You truly have the 21th century's DALTON GANG in the making!!!

Ted D said...


Angie IS a saint: proof positive is she married me.

And they aren't bad kids: they are, like you said, little versions of Dennis the Menace.

And if I were home with them, I'd kill 'em.

Tex said...

well perhaps you shouldnt lock the door in front of your 4 yr old genius. :)

and I love love love that pic

Tex said...

oh come on ya gotta be creative.

he's Rakes takes the Cakes kid. :)

Ted D said...

Tex, that is one of my all-time favorite movies with 2 of my all time favorite actors, especially Newman.

I'm paraphrasing, but Newman was asked about his 50 plus year marriage to Joanne Woodward and how it had lasted so long.

His reponse?

"Why go out for a hamburger when you have a Filet Mignon at home?"

That man is my hero.

Tex said...

Paul Newman rocks. and that movie is one of my fav too. very cool quote.
new post

Ted D said...

You can't beat Newman/Redford and "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head".

Heading that way now.

Tex said...

the bicycle scene is priceless.

cool hand luke is another

Ted D said...

Cool Hand Luke is a CLASSIC.

"What we have here.... is a failure to communicate."

And you are right: the egg scene alone makes is great.

He was also awesome in "The Road to Peridition"(sp?) with Tom Hanks.

I really want to be Paul Newman when I grow up: what a classy individual.

Tex said...

those eyes. stopped me dead. you do realize we typically have 3 conversations going on at the same time doing this?? :)

Ted D said...

Yeah, I know.

We're weird that way: what can I say?

And with that, this weirdo is off to bed: gotta get some sleep.

Night, Texas: I'll see you tomorrow.

HorshamScouse said...

Looks handcuffs might be a good idea. Just don't show them where you hide the key!

HorshamScouse said...

Looks like handcuffs...

Ted D said...

Horsham, I think they'd figure out a way to get out of the handcuffs: sort of like some mini-Houdini.

Tree Newt said...

Amanda had me rolling when she related this story to me after talking to Ang yesterday. I can just see the little man in action in your post! Good stuff, bro.

Ted D said...

It's a circus train, little brother. I'm just along for the ride.

Glad Baby C is back home and getting better: tell her that her favorite Uncle says hello.

~**Dawn**~ said...

See, here's the thing, Ted. When I was a kid, growing up, my very wise Gram once told me, when I would be naughty on occasion, that some day when I had children of my own, they would be ten times naughtier than I was, as punishment, so I should try my very hardest to be a good girl as much as I could. My Gram wasn't wrong about much so... makes me wonder when you tell these stories. ;-)

~**Dawn**~ said...

I just scrolled through the entire 400+ page report. An uncomfirmed list released earlier named Tek, Trot & Julian. I did not see their names though. (Whew... ) No major Sox names that killed me. I hope that someone posts an actual list soon. Just in case I missed something in my scrolling.

Ted D said...

Dawn, are you trying to say I'M responsible for all this? You may very well be right. ;)

My buddy called me about that list: the one that shocked me was Varitek. I just got home and haven't looked anywhere yet. So it's not true?

Stacy said...

The original Butch and Sundance have NOTHING on these two. How on earth two people that small can cause such mayhem is beyond me. Wouldn't surprise me a bit if Trot bit through the wire on the barstools. :)

However, on unwrapping the Christmas present, he did get that honestly from Angie.:)

scott h said...

I'm sure you will do a new blog on today's bomb before I get home tonight. So I will go on record now. Their is no reason to breathe a sigh of relieve and say well my favorite player was not listed. From his comments if you saw the broadcast the problem over the last ten years is so broad it appears to be a case of, he didn't get tested or no one narced him out.

It is disgusting, I can give some ground if they tried roids in the late 70's early 80's. Taking the jump to human growth is for ONE reason only. BECAUSE IT CAN"T BE DETECTED. Why do you take something that can't be detected, because that person has made the decision regardless of the risk I am going to cheat.

10,000 baseball cards to the highest bidder.

Cute TV commercials is not going to fix this problem.

Ted D said...

Bub, that is what is the worst part about all this: we'll NEVER know how many took something and how many didn't. I'm enclined to think more did than didn't, particulary after seeing McGuire/Sosa in '98.

That said, I'm not taking your route: I love the sport, it happened, lets try to clean it up. And if you(meaning everyone) think the NFL is cleaner than baseball, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you. Did you know Babe Ruth ate some animals testicles because it was thought they made you bigger and stronger? This isn't a new problem: just better technology.

I'll give you $10 bucks for the cards, btw.

Anonymous said...

My dd says to tie him up with wire and stick him under the tree.

Ted D said...

Denise, we tried that.

He's the 19 month old version of Houdini.

Christine E. said...

Evening everyone...:-)

Glad Rakes likes his spiderman helmet....LOL You'd be drooling and talking to yourself if you were a stay at home Dad--unless you had a bunch of nannies to help..:-0

Well, the Mitchell Report is out, and its a relief that no current socks are on it--disappointed in Donnelly--Not surprised about Gagne, always thought he was a jerk...

Hope you are well...

9 weeks today baseball begins!

Ted D said...

Hi Christine,

I don't even know if I'd be drooling and talking to myself: that may be too ambitious.

I'd be surprised if I was upright.

~**Dawn**~ said...

Just sharing my Gram's wisdom, Ted. Take it as you will. ;-) And if it's true, just think of your revenger being what *their* kids will be like!

As for the boys, I am relieved their names were not listed. I know it's not all-inclusive. But I am willing to overlook a lot of these guys, especially because I know that HGH is often used to speed return from injury or play through one (as least as much as I understand) -- and I can "pardon" that as long as we stop the nonsense NOW. I don't think the players are entirely to blame here. I think that Selig has a huge role, as does the media for putting so much emphasis on things like home runs when I think guys like Alex Gonzalez who may not hit huge number but run defensive circles around the rest of MLB should get just acknowledgement too. It's not just home runs that are exciting for a real baseball fan. I think we need to take that all into consideration, use what we know to fix the flaws & clean up the game, and then move on. I am sick to death of hearing about it at this point.