Friday, May 9, 2008

From the desk of Miss Hathaway: A Lawsuit.

To: Hollywood writers, directors, actors, producers, and Ann B. Davis. (Just because.)

From: The Red Sox Dad

Amount seeking: 1 Kazillion dollars.

Reason: False advertising.

Dear who it may concern,

I received an angry phone call from my employer tonight, with him ranting and raving about "stupid tv is a LIE", something about it's about time they learned a lesson, and strangely a profanity filled tirade at that nice man who used to play The Beaver's Dad on television.

It seems as if he's a bit, well, miffed (I can't say the word he actually used; I just can't.) at the inaccurate way families, particularly families at dinner time, have been falsely portrayed all these years. I couldn't pick it all up, especially when he started breaking plates in the background, but I did at least understand the following. And I quote:

"I've been watching tv my entire life. And between that idiot Nelson family, the Brady Bunch and those 6 brats, and Cliff Huxtable and his crew, all I've ever seen on tv when they eat is a bunch of well behaved kids wearing clean clothes calmly eating dinner. There is no throwing of food, no cups knocked on the floor, and there has NEVER been shown a shot of the Dad slowly having a stroke with big, giant crocodile tears rolling down his face. It's false advertising I tell you!"

Apparently, dinner didn't go well tonight. Best I could make out Rakes spent the entire time with a piece of pizza in his hand while he made it dance and at the same time shouted out "Who let the dogs out?" over and over. Also, Ciera alternated between crying about her pizza being hot and rattling off some story about Jamie, school, and detention while Trot did his best impression of a chain smoker, only with a pacifier; Paci out, eat a bite. Paci in. Paci out, eat a bite. Paci in.

You get the idea. All this while my employer tried to eat his dinner and read his latest edition of Sports Illustrated while dispensing fatherly advice like "Quit doing that!" and "Do you WANT to go to bed without dinner?"

In case you're wondering, he didn't take kindly to my advice that maybe his wife would appreciate him not reading at dinner and actually talk to her; in fact, he became quite belligerent and kept asking me to tell him Donald Trump's catchphrase. Which I refused to do.

He gets like this every now and then, especially when a man named Jon Lester (I think he plays for that baseball team he likes so much) is pitching. I know this because I've gotten phone calls at all hours of the night with him screaming out things like "Why can't he throw a *&#@*&% strike?" and "HIT the mascot!"

Please take this for what it's worth; the ramblings of a tightly wound man who although he loves his family dearly, clearly needs a break. Thankfully, something called "Elmerpalooza" is happening next week and he seems really excited about that. Know that I realize this is a frivilous lawsuit, I only sent this because I need the job, and he really is a nice man.

Even if he is clinically insane.


Miss Hathaway

P.S. Could you possibly procure an autograph for my employer from someone named Al Bundy? He really seems to like that man.


Krystle said...

Well from reading that, it sounds like you need this video. I found this and it reminded me of Rakes.

It's a 3 year old girl explaining Star Wars. You may have seen it but it's SO cute, why not see it agian.

And I sure hope Ciera doesn't have a detention!

Ted D said...

I've seen it, Krystle. Rakes LOVES it, so I'll make sure I show it to him again!

No detention for Ciera; at least so far.

Tex said...

wax on wax off

Edge of Design said...

A break? Are you serious? We don't get breaks, welcome to Parenthood. Just as there's a law of gravity, I'm convinced when a parent thinks they're getting a break, it's just the calm before the storm! Enjoy the calm!

Ted D said...

Tex, when did you turn into Mr. Miyagi?

Edge, break, calm, whatever it is; I'm counting down the hours until Thursday morning.

Tex said...

just sayin

Edge of Design said...

All joking aside, I know you're looking forward to a break. You've both had a lot on your plate. My only hope is that your Sox win while you're there! Enjoy!

Edge of Design said...

Pun not intended although it would have been a good one, yes? "On your plate" as in "home plate" hahahah I crack myself up!

Krystle said...

Well that's good. I laughed when I saw it.

Just wait until Ciera is a senior in high school and you'll hear crying about school...yes you will be.

I hope Lugo doesnt have ANOTHER error when your there. That sounds very unlikely at this point. What game(s) are you going to?

Tex said...

and when are you gonna let Trot put his hair into dreds like Manny?

Ted D said...

Tex, :P

Edge, I will. I can promise you that.

Krystle, didn't you hear? I'm not allowing her to get any older. And I'll be there from Friday-Sunday games, but leave Thursday and come home Monday.

Tex, he's getting it cut next week. Probably while I'm gone, because she knows I'll pitch a fit.

Tex said...

Im just messing with ya. My son was 2 1/2 before he got his first haircut...when it was wet it was halfway down his back...but when it was dry it was all mom went and got it cut without me knowing.

Ted D said...

Ang thinks the hair is part of the MRSA/ear problem. I think she's nuts.

As usual, she wins.

Tex said...

well either cut it or it's long enough to pull back into a ponytail like some of the guys i see do ;)

Ted D said...

We're cutting it!

Against my wishes, but I'm going to Boston, so somehow it's fair. ;)