Monday, December 15, 2008

Dr. Spock is a Moron.

Before Ang and I had any children, I always wondered why parents had such a tough time. There are literally thousands of books for sale at Barnes and Noble that give you a page by page outline on how to raise kids.

From potty training to wetting the bed to how to choose between the salad fork and the dinner fork at a formal dinner. For what it's worth, the next time you see my kids at a formal dinner will be the first time. And if you happen to look out your window you'll most likely see Wilbur the Pig flying by on his way to the River Styx for a hockey game.

What they DON'T tell you is this: how do you cope with a stomach flu which I'm pretty sure hasn't been seen since the Black Plague that has decided YOUR house is where it wants to have it's Winter Vacation.

Have you ever felt completely and totally helpless? I mean helpless to the point of 100% frustration over the fact there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to help? Take that feeling, multiply it times 5,000 and imagine all 3 of your kids doing their best impression of a college freshman during pledge week while riding the porcelain train and you sort of get how I'm feeling tonight.

Throw in the fact your wife, their mother, and the foundation to the whole house of cards is doing the same thing? I am officially in total freak out mode right now. Curling up in the fetal position and crying is out; I already tried it.

Pretending you are Niles from "Frazier" and fainting is a no go as well. I almost tried the "Rocky Balboa in Rocky 3 after Micky gets killed" defense as well, but I knew it was a losing battle.

Where in God's name is Bill Cosby when you need him?


HorshamScouse said...

That's a real bummer, Ted. Just hope it's temporary and it'll be gone in a few days.

I think the Hazmat suit's not such a bad idea, after all.

Incidentally, I'm looking at Sunday 28th early afternoon, returning late afternoon Monday if that's OK? (Always assuming no ice storms!)

JMP said...

Been there .......
Done That!!!!!

I feel for you!!!

Be strong, take your vitamins.....drink your OJ and try to find your happy place!!!

Remember, Angie would do it for you !!! And the kids will always remember that when the chips were down, Dear old Dad was there with the barf bucket!!!! and a lot of tissue, lysol, pine sol and big thick yellow rubber gloves! ( may be a face madk too! )

Tree Newt said...

You know this is all just a way for God to break you of your OCD, right? :)

Sorry you guys are illin. Prayin for you all.

But it is comical thinking of you having to clean it up. Sorry bro, but it just is!

And just as a side note: my "word verification" to post this is "hater." Don't be hatin'.

HorshamScouse said...

My word verification: messes!

(Don't have anything else to say!)

Ted D said...

John, that sounds like a perfect day to come and we're really looking forward to it. Bring your hazmat suit just in case.

JMP, you know how it is; I've never been more relieved to leave for a 10 hour work day than I have this morning. ;) You gotta love the cold and flu season.

Mattie, yuck it up; this will be you one day and it won't be long. What goes around comes around, and it'll be coming around on you one day soon!

Rich in the garage said...

I can't wait till you get sick too.

Then this will be 100 times funnier for me.

I was at work at 8 today dude, my boss' kid had to get his apendix out this morning. Be greatful.

Ted D said...

With the way I feel right now you may be gettting your wish, Rich. And I'm a thankful man about my family; just a stressed out thankful man.