Monday, November 12, 2007

A Day in the Life

Today was proof that no matter how much I say it, I'd never survive as a stay at home Dad.

This picture was taken by Angie at about 10:30 this morning, and yes, that's my little boy Trot playing in the FREAKING toilet. After turning her back for all of 2.3 seconds, he'd disappeared. She found him in our bathroom, commode full of toilet paper and one of my razors in hand, merrily swirling the mix around and around in the bowl.

Yes: the razor has been incinerated. When you have a tad of the OCD, things like this make you trash happy. Why do children, especially boys, have this bizarre fascination with the toilet? Any chance he gets, Trot is more often than not playing in the commode. He's SEEN what goes on in there: Why does he gravitate toward it?

Seriously, this is "Did Oswald act alone" territory for me: why does the filthiest room in a house attract kids like a fire fly to a bug zapper? WHY?

Following this incident, for reasons known only to her, Ang took the kids to the local Mexican restaurant for lunch: it was here that Rakes had to go to the bathroom. Not wanting to leave Trot with Ciera, Angie had Ciera take Rakes to the men's room. Upon returning to the table, Ciera informed her Mom that Rakes was going commando: no underwear. Seems like when she told him to go change out of his pj's, Rakes forgot to fortify the boys, and left the house the way he came into this world: sans boxer shorts. I've got to think that at almost 4 years old, this is NOT a postive development.

It was at this point Ang came THIS close to turning into the female version of Tito Ortz: seems like one of the other female diners turned around and said, and I quote, "You seem to be having some trouble controlling your children".

I've been married to this woman for 15 years: that chick best be counting her lucky stars she still has all her teeth. See, Trot can't or won't talk: whenever he wants something, he makes a noise that I can best describe as a Woolly Mammoth in heat: some guttural roar that can only be appreciated/despised in person. Well, it seems as if he did this, nonstop, today at lunch because, well, he was hungry. Anige politely informed this moron that it was tough with three children, to which the diva replied "Well, we don't have small children." Angie's repsonse? "I can tell."

I'm very proud of my wife for not knocking this idiot into next week: I realize it's annoying to have a braying Yak in the background while you are eating, but it's La Fiesta and the $3.99 lunch menu: you want high cuisine and a pleasant experience, go to the 4 star restaurant down the street. Otherwise, be ready for some rice and salsa to come flying your way. You don't like it, tough luck. My wife can kick your a**: sue me.

Like some deranged cherry on top of the sundae of life, this was how the day ended. Me, going to my room to change clothes and Trot at the TOP of the stairs: I swear I was only in there for a minute, tops. When I came out, he had somehow gotten down the stairs, pushed a bar stool over, and was sitting IN THE KITCHEN SINK picking up the dirty dishes and making the "KK" sound usually reserved for dirty diapers.

Other than putting them in a cage, I'm out of ideas: How do you convince a 3 year old underwear is a necessity? What do you say to a 19 month old who thinks toilets and sinks are the epitome of fun and excitement?

I'm firmly convinced I will never make it to 50 years old.

Frankly, I'm not sure it's not all bad if that happens.

Do you understand NOW why what happens with the Red Sox carries as much importance as it does?

Theo, for me: DO IT.


Tex said...

\\making the "KK" sound usually reserved for dirty diapers.//

at least he knows how to make the sound for when BecKett pitches

see ya gotta look at the bright side of things :)

just let me go with Angie and the kids out to eat. I hear any remarks...they'll know next time NOT to MESS with TEXAS. Or better yet, I'll just put on my good ole drawl and say "Wah dunt git ut much" and then belch in their face :)

Ted D said...

Tex, I would have loved for you to have been with her yesterday. She can hold her own though: she taught 7th grade math for 10 years, so she's got that condescending teacher voice down pat. She let the women know she had it under control, in no uncertain terms.

Believe me, I've had that teacher voice used on me a few times! That said, I'm sure she'd have welcomed a little help from Texas.

Tex said...

wait....I never knew Angie and me had something else in common!! I LOVE MATH. Made A's all the way to high school even in Trig :)

Ted D said...

Yep, when Ciera brings home the 4th grade math homework, it's time for Mom. Yes, I'm admitting I can't do 4th grade math: it's a little embarrassing.

Redbeard76 said...

Oh boy, something to look forward to, my Sierra with hands in the toilet. She's getting around a lot quicker now and now we have to keep gates up all the time to keep her in the safe living room. But I have a feeling I'll have to clean the commode a lot more often than before.

Ted D said...

Stephen, in my house this toilet thing has only been with the boys: Ciera never touched it. Well, other than the time she threw the remote and cordless phone in it.

But she never played in the thing, so you may be OK.

Redbeard76 said...

Maybe it'll be all right then. Just to be on the safe side, I'm keeping the lid down on the seat. Not that it would stop her, being the first thing in our tiny apartment sized bathroom, but at least I can say I've done my part.

scott h said...

I suggest rigging something so that when he opens the lid it pops out and scares the doo doo out of him! Down side he will only use the bathroom outside for the next 6 months. Upside you have the best lawn in the neighborhood.

~**Dawn**~ said...

Still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that Joshy was not the Cy Young winner...

Ted D said...

Stephen, if you put the lid down and LOCK it, you'll be ok.

Bub, you are too much: I do that, he's scarred for life and will be in diapers when he's 11.

Dawn, I'm wondering if his surliness with reporters, players, etc.. played a part. I also heard Sabbathia pitched 4 more games than Beckett, so he was a tad more durable. I just go back to the wins: Beckett was the ONLY 20 game winner on the WS winner. I really wish they would wait until AFTER the postseason do vote on these awards because Beckett came up BIG.

Christine E. said...

Evening everyone:

Take heart, Ted, Ciera will be dating in a few years....LOL

I cannot believe they did not get it done with Lowell...if he goes to the freaking Yanks, I'll be ill...You don't think he is going to go to the Yanks--do you?

While I am disappointed that Beckett did not get the CY, I am in no way surprised--Sabathia pitched more in 07--and then because of it crashed in the post season when It most mattered--I think Josh would rather a WS any day of the week

Hope all is well!

Ted D said...

Hi Christine,

Ciera will NEVER date. Ever.

I'm bummed about Beckett as well, but I'm with you: I'm pretty sure the WS ring will make up for it.

And I honestly believe Lowell will give the Red Sox the final word. I think he gets the offer he feels is the best for him and tells the Sox if they come close to that, he'll stay. I can't begrudge the guy testing the waters.

Christine E. said...


My dad used to say I would not be allowed to Car date until I was 37...;-)

I think you're right..Mike doesn't seem like a mercenary...and he does not have Boras for an agent, which is always a plus...

Hope your well!

Sign! Mike! Lowell!

Ted D said...

Agreed, Christine:

Sign. Mike. Lowell.