Tuesday, March 25, 2008

A Letter to DirecTV

Dear Whoever is responsible for the cluster mess that was today,

Last spring I switched from Dish Network to DirecTV for one reason; you made an exclusive deal with MLB to be the only satellite provider of the Xtra Innings package. It was a minor inconvenience to switch, and I had to pay some money to opt out early, but it's OK. You can't put a price on Red Sox baseball, pally.

Since then, I've been a loyal customer. Never complain, never call and ask the C/S people "do you have Prince Albert in a can?", and even let you charge me for that stupid magazine I never asked for. Even though I called 4 freaking times and asked you to stop sending it.

Other than the occasional lost service due to lightning, I've really had no complaints. I didn't even mail that letter I had Miss Hathaway (yeah I've got a secretary named Miss Hathaway. Doesn't everybody?) type about how you can put a stinking satellite in OUTERFREAKINGSPACE, yet you can't give me a dish that doesn't stop working when there is a thunderstorm?

That's why what happened today must never, EVER, happen again. I rolled myself out of bed at 5:30 (that's 5:30 a.m. btw, pencil pusher.), stumble to the living room, and turn on ESPN2. What did I see? Not Daisuke Matsuzaka, Manny, or Gary Thorne. Though I'm sort of glad about the Thorne thing; that guy really burns me up when he starts going on and on about Schilling faking the blood on his sock.......

Sorry, got off track for a second. That's what happens when you get up at 5:30 IN THE EFFING MORNING. Look, I'm not unreasonable; I understand acts of God like storms and hurricanes, or an asteroid hitting the satellite as Bruce Willis and a team of oil drillers fly in a rocket to blow it up with a nuke (How in the name of all that is holy did THAT idea get approved?). But this was Opening Day, man. It's not like this crept up on you or something; you've known about it for MONTHS. Could you not have, you know, prepared or something? Made sure everything was plugged in, the green wire was in the green hole, and if all else failed, had somebody whacking the machine on the side while uttering profanity laced tirades?

'Cause you made me miss Papi doing his best Roy Hobbs...

Jacoby channeling his inner Spider Man...

Manny letting the boys know he missed that Home Run by THIS much...

And finally, you made me miss this. A guy who makes $18 million a year smiling like some ditch digger who just won the power ball. Holding a check for, well, I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure it's not $18 million dollars, over his head like it's the greatest thing that ever happened to him.

Thanks a pantsload, dink.

In closing, you ruined my day. Can you please get Darrin in tech support on this, ASAP? Just to make sure it doesn't happen again? 'Cause if I can't see game 2 and have to wait until next Tuesday to see the fellas?

You just tell whoever the head bottle washer is the following.

To quote Wyatt Earp from the movie "Tombstone":

You tell 'em I'M coming... and hell's coming with me, you hear?


The deranged, sleepy, punch drunk RSD.

P.S. How about a free weekend preview of HBO every once in awhile? Throw us a bone, will ya?


beckperson said...

::standing ovation::

I guess being pissed off improves your writing, eh?

Seriously, so sorry you had to go through this. Here's hoping for better things tomorrow.

::fingers crossed::

Goodnight...I must get my beauty rest.

Tex said...

YAH What Ted SAID.

I dont think im gonna be able to do it again.

Ted D said...

Aw, thanks Becks. Not sure it's being angry, or just the lack of quality sleep.

You wait almost 6 months for Opening Day and the whole system collapses. How did that happen?

It's working now, so hopefully it's working in the morning.

Have a good nights sleep.

Ted D said...

How do you people know I've posted so stinking fast?

You GOTTA get up, Tex.

How often in our lives will we be watching baseball before the sun comes up?

::If life is fair, just these two days::

Tex said...

if tomorrow is any indication of what tomorrow will be, ill be dragging my arse to bed at 6pm tomorrow.

OK. ill be here. but if DirecTV is messed climbing back in bed

Ted D said...

Tomorrow is tomorrow, Tex.

It is what it is.

And if what happened today happens tomorrow?

I'm slicing some DirecTV vans tires.

I'm just sayin'.

Tree Newt said...

Dude, that was one of your best. Classic RSD. Sorry you missed the game, but I'm sure Rakes was up and giving you play by play on Star Wars PS2 while you freaked out.

You getting up again tomorrow?

Ted D said...

Are you kidding me, Mattie?

I'll be up and ready to go.

And if DirecTV does it again?

I've got my best Derek Lowe "Bite my tweeter" ready for 'em.

Tex said...

Ted GET UP!!!!!!!!!!!

Krystle [RSO] said...

You wouldn't know what I would have done if I had it. The chances of going into my neighbors house at 6AM would have been too great.

We used to have Dish Network but then switched to Comcast and I have to say, I miss having DVR in my room.

Ted D said...

I've BEEN up, Tex. Me, Trot, and the couch for the last hour.

He and Rakes are destroying my bedroom right now.

Bickley said...

Hahaha...great post, Ted! Myself, I was screaming at the computer monitor at work that was telling me that MLBTV was blacked out for this game in my location because of A: The Texas Rangers, and B: The Houston Astros. "BUT NEITHER ONE OF THOSE #$%^& TEAMS IS PLAYING!!!" I screamed.

Then I logged in with my password and everything worked fine. Heh.

I don't normally scream at inanimate objects.

Really, I don't.

Ted D said...

Really, Bickley?

I scream at inanimate objects all the time; good for the blood pressure.

Beth said...

I totally feel your pain, pal!

At least we got to see the game today. Of course, we didn't get to see them WIN today, but "it's a long's a marathon not a sprint...we couldn't expect to go undefeated..."

Did I miss any cliches? :)

Tex said...

\\I don't normally scream at inanimate objects//

really? how do you do that and watch baseball?

Ted D said...

Beth, I think you covered them all! And it was nice to see the whole game, even though they lost.

Tex, exactly my point!

Paul said...

Man, that was effin' hilarious! Perfect!
For the record, I found your rant because I subscribe to a Google alert for "Dish Network" and your blog got tagged. I'm glad I looked. ~ A perenially-perturbed Pittburgh Pirates something-or-other.

Ted D said...

Hey Paul, thanks for looking and taking the time to comment. Stop by anytime!

Pirate fan, huh? Pops Stargel, Dave Parker, Kent Tekulve, and those pillbox hats were tough back in the day, man.

Edge of Design said...

I'm getting the impression you were not happy with Dish today. Is that right? It all started when I read "You can't put a price on Red Sox baseball, pally." So is that it or am I reading too much into your post today? hahahah Just having a little fun is all!

Ted D said...

Edge, put it this way.

DirecTV is not my friend.

It's all good, though. I got to see the game today.

HorshamScouse said...

Serious pisser, Ted.

//How often in our lives will we be watching baseball before the sun comes up?//

Every freakin' day game :)

Ted D said...

//Serious pisser, Ted.//

Is this a good thing, John?

I actually thought about you the past 2 days and wondered how in the world you do that all the time?

It's a really weird experience.