Monday, January 28, 2008

Just when you thought it was safe.

Carl Everett is nuts. Not in a Manny Ramirez going into the Green Monster, wearing an ipod in the field, and stand at home plate and observe how pretty a white ball and a blue sky are way either. Nuts in a Albert Belle throwing a ball a reporter, Woody Hayes punching a player on the other team, and Delmon Young throwing a bat at the umpire sort of way.

This is a guy who doesn't believe dinosaurs existed. I quote: "The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex". How does he explain the mountain of fossils and other evidence we have that they DID exist? Man made fakes, of course. Uh, Carl? The Bible also doesn't say anything about snow, but I'm pretty sure that's not a new development.

If you're an umpire, don't question whether Crazy Carl's batting stance is legal; he gave umpire Ron Kulpa a headbutt that Bobo Brazil would envy one time for doing just that. Oh yeah, the moon landing? Never happened; created on a Hollywood sound stage. You KNOW this guy thinks there was a second shooter on the grassy knoll, those things in Texas the other week really were U.F.O's, and E.T. was a documentary.

When I fully realized how gone this guy is happened 5 days after 9/11. While the rest of us were still in a state of shock, wondering when the next attack was going to come, and duct taping our windows, this cat was cursing out his manager for a lack of playing time. Does it ever rain on your planet, Carl?

I read today that after playing last season for the Atlantic League, it appears Carl is ready for a return to the show and the White Sox and Angels may be interested. All I can figure is the circus doesn't go to those cities and they need a freak show to entertain the masses; this guy is one step away from coming to the plate wearing a Roman centurions helmet and a dress while singing "I Feel Pretty". Give me Manny picking dandelions in the outfield any day.

Quick note on the home front: Ang had her monthly women's club meeting at the house tonight while I took Huey, Dewey, and Louise to my folks. It's like taking a wild animal out of it's natural habitat and plopping into a petting zoo, then taking it back 3 hours later to watch the hilarity ensue.

Except when you're the zookeeper.

I just keep muttering "You're going to Boston for 5 days by yourself" over and over again and imagining what it'll be like to actually be IN Fenway Park.

I think it's helping.


Anonymous said...

Note to the Zookeeper - Is the women's club anything like the one in Jerry Maguire?

Ted D said...

Not quite, Carol. They were making bracelets when I returned home with no alcohol in sight.

Meanwhile I'm pacing the floor mumbling something about Wapner starting at 10.

Monk has nothing on me.

Anonymous said...

Did you forget to bring back the Bartle & Jaymes? And I'm a fan of Monk lol.

Ted D said...

Monk is almost like a self portrait.

I'm not QUITE as extreme.

But it's close.

Tex said...

I swear to you that i was NOT riding my broom the other night. UFO's my arse.

funny thing is Ted will be watching the game on Friday and say "i wish Rakes could be here"
mark my words

Anonymous said...

Well if Supernanny doesn't come through, maybe you can get a cameo on Monk then.

Ted D said...

Tex, I may not make it past Friday afternoon. One of my biggest wishes is to take my 3 kids to Fenway, just when all of them can remember it. Give me a few years.

Carol, if Supernanny would come through, I may not need Monk. The two are sort of tied together. ;)

Tree Newt said...

Glad to see you survived, Monk.

Anonymous said...

Hewey, Dewey and Louise! Priceless!!! Honestly Ted, sometimes you floor me with your writing. I don't mean to laugh at your expense but sometimes the things you describe, you can't help it.

gojohn said...

Are you really going to Boston in 5 days? Good for you!

Ted D said...

I survived, Mattie. I survived. And Edge, it helps to have good material to write about.

John, I'm going in May for 5 days. I can't wait.

Stacy said...

I'm with Edge; love the Huey, Dewey and Louise line. Most definitely a classic. :)

beckperson said...

Ted, I drove past Fenway Park tonight and I do believe they were painting a big sign on the outside that said:

Fenway Park: Home of the 2007 World Champion Boston Red Sox and the forthcoming Tedapaloooooooooza!!!!

Ted D said...

Thanks, sis. I try.

Becks, NICE! I've actually got a list of pictures I have to take, and the row of banners outside is one of them.

scott h said...


Ted D said...

Bite me, Granddad. :)

I do this because it helps keep me sane.

How 'bout this? YOU start a blog, try to come up with something to write everyday, then let ME make fun of you for awhile? Otherwise, you're like somebody who criticizes the politicians but doesn't take the time to vote.

Tree Newt said...

Boys boys. Will you two behave?

Ted D said...

He started it.

::kicks dirt::