Sunday, April 6, 2008

From the desk of Miss Hathaway

To whom it may concern,

My employer, the RSD, is starting to worry me. See, he started his twice a year trade show on Friday morning. They call it the "International Home Furnishings Market", but in reality it's nothing more than a glorified flea market where vendors hawk their wares.

You see, this event makes him even more crabby than usual because he has to spend 12 hours a day with a bunch of, well, he refers to them as "dinks". It's really a stressful time for me as well. He yells a lot during this time, his blood pressure shoots up, and he irrationally gets angry at small things like the light not turning green as fast as he'd like.

This market he's got even more stress. It seems that the powers that be at MLB decided to have the Red Sox (they are his FAVORITE team, I have to say. They have this one gentleman named Manny, who has really long dread locks and likes to "Pimp it", whatever that means) who he really likes to see play. Anyway, whoever is in charge decided to have them play 3 day games over the span of 4 days, which has caused some problems with my boss.

See, he's not a fan of taping a game and watching it later. Although he did it today, because somebody he called "The Commander of the FYYO Brigade" was pitching. Now, I have no idea who that is, but it caused the RSD to walk around all day talking about "bringing it" and "putting one in the ear hole". I have no clue what that means, but I think it's important to bring it up.

I'm writing this because I just received a communication that had the phrase "Frank Thomas can bite Beck's tweeter" and "tell Bud Selig to.....", I'm sorry. I'm too much of a lady to repeat that one. And I'm sort of embarrassed I typed the word tweeter, even though I have no idea what it means.

Please. Can whoever is in charge of such matters try and fix this situation? You have no idea what he's like when he's angry. I can't be positive, but I'm pretty sure I overheard him say last night, and I quote, "Whoever is responsible for putting the Ring Ceremony on during the middle of the day is getting a paper bag set on fire on their front porch." I have no idea what he's talking about, but it can't be good.

I just received an email where he incoherently rambled about someone named "Doc", Lugo needing a eye exam, and strangely "Who told Papi he could cut his hair?"Hopefully you know what this means, because I'm completely in the dark.

To close, I hope I've pleaded my case. My employer is not well; he has high blood pressure, he doesn't take care of himself, and according to various sources, his children are a tad misbehaved. He really does live for this baseball team he follows, and if he can't see them? Well, let's just say I bear the brunt of his frustration.

Being that I'm 50 years old and single, I can't stress enough that I need this job. So can someone tell "Uncle Bud", whoever that is, to please get off his rear and help a lady out?

Sincere Thanks,

Miss Hathaway.

P.S. Is the little fella who plays second base spoken for?


Tex said...

Ted, today is a dream. or more like a nightmare. wake UP so it can be over.

i keep saying its only one game but those one games keep adding up.

I'd like a Win soon.

~**Dawn**~ said...

Psst! Cora for SS.


HorshamScouse said...

Brilliant Ted, or should I say Miss Hathaway.

I didn't see the end of the game but I assume the Sox are going back one game under 500 rather than one game over.

Let's hope the Tigers have broken their duck (cricket term for you) before they get to Fenway.

Bickley said...

That...was...brilliant, Ted! I laughed my head off. Boy, was that messy. Cleaning people didn't appreciate it one bit.

HorshamScouse said...

When you adopt the Miss Hathaway alter ego, do you put your hair up in a bun and wear frumpy clothes and comfortable shoes?

Or is it all in your head?

Either way, you might want to mention it to your therapist. :)

Ted D said...

Tex, I'm not going to panic. It's week one, the boys are 3-4 coming off a trip to Japan, and are finally getting back home.

Dawn, when I watched the tape of the game, every time Lugo made and error or popped up, I pictured you making another mark against him in your book!

Horsham, Sox are indeed one game under and the Tigers got mauled last night; should make this series interesting. And while I don't have a therapist just yet, I'll mention it to the voices in my head, thanks!

Bickley, thanks man. Sorry for the mess.

~**Dawn**~ said...

Nah. I closed that book a long time ago. Now I am just having fun pointing out to you what I already knew in light of your Lugo/MVP chant. ;-)

Tree Newt said...

Good one, Ms. Hathaway.

Edge of Design said...

Dear Miss Hathaway:

Concerning your comment about the short stop and whether he was taken, you might want to be careful of what you write. Jethro has had a thing for you that you've been blinded to all these years. You risk breaking his heart should he happen across this memo of yours. Oh come on now woman! Don't tell me you never noticed! Would you like me to recommend a good eye doctor? No, he's not single! Honestly!!! It's hard to find good help nowadays.

Yours truly,
Edge of Design

Ted D said...

Dawn, Lugo will rebound. Trust me.

Mattie, thanks. I think market has driven me crazy.

Edge, Miss Hathaway took a leave of absence. She was giving out too much personal information. ;)

Christine E. said...

Hey everyone:

Happy Day Before Ring Day!

Holy Buckets, Ms Hathaway's letter is one of the funniest things I have read in a while..ALMOST makes me feel better about this weekend and Lugo's Four--count 'em, FOUR errors in two games...ARGH!

And how bout Colon? Got DL?

and I am with you, Ted--who thought this 2:05 gametime on Ring Day crap up????

Hope you are well...

Go Sox!

Ted D said...

Hey Christine,

I read an article a little while ago that should help those on the ledge. Last year on April 7, the Yankees, Jays, and Rays were tied for first place.

And Mike Lowell made 3 errors in one game in the first week of the season last year.

All will be well.

Thank God for TiVo, Christine!

beckperson said...


And the furniture trade show CAN bite my tweeter (such as it is).

Am I allowed to say that??

I hate off days...although I imagine everyone getting a good night's sleep, having breakfast in bed, wearing bunny slippers till 2 pm, after which they hang around watching soap operas till dinnertime. Hopefully it cures what ails them.


Ted D said...

Hey Becks!

I had to throw the "Bite Beck's Tweeter" line in. ;)

The image of Manny in bunny slippers is now making me laugh. Thank God the boys are back home.

I HATE I'm not going to get to see this live; watching on tape isn't the same, and I have to spend the day avoiding a score!